Inside Out

As mom and wife it is very easy to "stay busy" always worring about someone else's needs instead of your own, chasing after the little poeple who live to make your house a mess, and providing three plus meals a day to make sure they all retain their strength. Even the dogs get their share! Meanwhile there maybe days that go by before you get three meals, the to do list is pulling up and your insides are turning. At least that is how my life works. I love staying busy with my family. I always wanted a husband that I could serve and help and kids to love and grow, but it has come to my attention that if the inside is not right it begins to come out in all that I do. Whenever I have a moment to myself to sit and reflect I become very uneasy. I begin to realize I was short with my son when all he wanted was for me to sit with him for 20 minutes of my day. I then begin to think about his behavior and how it was driving me crazy!!!! But wait, could it be that my son is uneasy because I have unknowingly been the same? Have I found joy in the things I do or am I doing them out of obligation? And there it is the answer.... when my insides are spinning so are my children. Although it may be hard for me, and I may not think I have the time, I need to make the time to clear up the mess within. There is nothing that our God cannot handle. Even though it may seem to me the hurt is the same day after day, I need to give it to him until it is gone. Many people think that there is a 10 step program to grief but I am here to straighten that out for you today... THERE ISN'T! The hurt is the same today that it was 17 months ago. I just don't let it show on the outside as much because for some silly reason it is viewed as "unhealthy". As I sit here this morning choking back the tears I am realizing I am not the only one. We all hurt and many of us "get over it" in the time others think we should when all along our insides are turning because we don't deal with the hurt inside. I have realized in the past couple of weeks that there have been a lot of times that I have opened my bible and been so distracted that I don't even know what I have read but that's okay. The point is to make the effort. I may not realize it but God is working on me even then. Babies don't just stand up and walk it is a very slow process. So is healing and change. Each time we go through a trial in life no matter how big or small, it leaves a little hole inside. That hole in your has to be mended with a needle and thread not a sewing machine so give the Lord sometime before you give up. But more importantly give Him the control. Just seek Him and listen. I have found myself clinging to Matt. 6:33 these days as I wait for my mending to be finished and take joy in the hand of the one who is doing the mending....

"But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well." Matt. 6:33

2 vs. Billions

The challenges of parenting have continued to show themselves to me this past weekend as I learned the continued importance of consistence when raising a 3 year old and 15 month old. I felt like ALL I did this past weekend was discipline every 5 to 10 minutes. It began on Friday when I took Judah and Bryce to Target and let Judah pick out a new car. We had counted money from his piggy bank and now we were ready for a "teaching moment" at target. A teaching moment that I thought was for Judah but turned out to be for mom as Buzz Lightyear Judah went flying through the store and then when caught and caged proceeded to throw everything out of the cart. The experience then continued that evening when we had dinner with friends at their apartment. Although Amos and Kimberly love our children I know they were happy to see the night end. :) My two children were like crazy flies trying to find their way out of your car! Chris and I left laughing on the way home that maybe we should rent our children out to young couples who think they want children. The weekend then continued on to Saturday where our son continued to make his ransom demands when it came to watching cartoons, eating breakfast, and mowing the lawn. Strangely enough He was an Angel at Costco? Oh but wait mommy then learned it was because Daddy bribed him to stay in the cart. Hey whatever it takes. Needless to say Sunday got even better when the Children's Director of our church chased her 3 year old son into the parking lot and then up a hill to then be bite by him 3 times as they marched back to the car where the 15 month old child was SCREAMING because he was in his car seat. Oh yeah that women has control. Not! Needless to say the day did not get much better... however as I reflect on my weekend and the exhaustion that I feel, I begin to realize I am a lot like the 3 year. I often tell God how I think he should work things out, I sit in laziness not wanting to do the things I have been asked. I find everything I can to keep myself busy when all He wants is for me to sit and rest with him, and I am sure the constant requests sound very redundant at this point. Yet He still calls me, he still loves me, and He still teaches me no matter how many times He has already told me. I realized that although I think parenting 2 children is hard, God continues to parent Billions and all at the same time! I will continue to teach each day with the hopes of my children gaining something just as the Lord continues to do with me. I pray that one day my two boys will look back and know that their parents loved them enough and desired for them to live a faith filled life that they endured the headaches, the sleepless years, and the gray hair. But most of all I hope that they catch a glimpse of God's love in us as we discipline knowing it is done in love and for their sake.

Thanks Cathy...

As a parent I am constantly PRAYING that my children love one another and others. Show manners, and are kind and inviting to all. I guess that may be a tall order for a 3 year and 15 month old but, if we don't start now it only gets harder right? This past Friday was my day at home with the boys and then we went to the fair. From about 9am till 3pm my sons fought over a red Lightening McQueen car! There was no regard for the fact that we have another red one or even that we have an additional blue one they just wanted the ONE. Later I walked with them down to the park to play. It is about a 20 minute walk which usually gives me time to think and clear my brain. On Friday however, I listened to screaming over what was now the BLUE Lightening car. I began to wonder how am I ever going to teach these boys to love each other and to get along and share without me forcing them too!!? Then I began to think about the people in my life who taught me and I thought of one in particular, Cathy Blankers. Cathy has 4 boys and when I was growing up we spent a fair amount of time with them. I began to think about it and to be honest, I do not remember a lot of fights. We would get into trouble here and there but I do not think I heard Cathy raise her voice once to us unless it was to call us upstairs. Cathy could just look at her boys and they would know how much trouble they were in. I could look at Cathy's face and know how much trouble they were in. (LOL) But she always seemed so calm, always approachable, and in complete control of the situation. I knew even from a young age that Cathy loved the Lord and now looking back I know she had to trust Him to raise those 4 busy boys. But I look at the boys now and think they all turned out great and that must have a LARGE amount to do with their parents wisdom, guidance and PRAYER. As I pondered on my memory of Cathy I began to realize that maybe if I trust in the Lord to guide me, was soft spoken with my boys, but yet guide them FIRMLY one day, although maybe many years down the road...they would turn out alright. Just as I had this thought I looked down to see my older son Judah hand the Blue car to Bryce and Bryce leaned his head on Judah's shoulder and there they sat for the next 10 minutes. Quite and loving each other.
I guess maybe there is hope yet. :)

20 minutes...

So as all wives, mothers, and working people know, each day comes with new challenges and goals or at least it should. Yesterday when I arrived home from a long day at work my children just wanted to play. I just wanted to sit, go for a walk, and finish the laundry. So the time came to make a choice do I run around with my kids or do I sit them in front of an activity and walk away. The answer....I stole on of my 3 year old's shoes placed it on my foot. I then hobbled into the kitchen where he was sitting and asked him if he liked my new shoes. We ran around for about 30 minutes before I felt like I was going to fall over and we laughed and laughed.

My kids are growing so fast and I can hardly believe that 2 years ago this month I found out I was pregnant with Bryce. 2 years! I feel like it was just yesterday and when I look at my kids the fatigue is worth it. I may not always look my best, and there are many times I probably have food stuck somewhere on me but I love playing with my kids and to watch the excitement on their faces is priceless. My kids will probably never have the biggest and best toys, and chances are they will only see cable TV when visiting other homes, but I hope they know that they are loved and remember playing with their parents for their until the day they leave our home. 20 minutes of rest I can get back but 20 minutes of my children's lives are lost if I just sit back and rest.

Jesus said, "let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

Why the Rush...

It is always amazing to me how quickly time flies but something that has been eating at my more is how quickly we waste our time with the speed of life. Do you ever wonder if God speaks still speaks in dreams? Well he did to me last night and very clearly. I use to love dreaming! I would wake in the morning laughing at where my mind went during the night and during college and after Erika and I would call each other about crazy dreams we had. The greatest part about my dreams was that I often got to spend time with people I had not seen in a long time. Last night I in my dream my best friend was there. I could see her from a distance and I could hear her but because I was TOO BUSY, I never got to speak to her or hug her. My life has become so busy I don't even enjoy my dreams. I woke up this morning and asked myself at 5:20am "Why am I in such a hurry?"

For the past few months I have felt the Lord leading me. Putting things on my heart that are forcing me to look inside and think, and be silent in Him. Things that could change our life in many ways but most of all things that would make me slow down and enjoy my family. My boys and I had gone to the store on Wed. afternoon and due to AWANA I was unable to put all of the groceries away. I was irritated at myself all night for not putting the cans away! Then the next morning as I was rushing once again to get us out the door I turned around to see my two sons playing with those cans I was so mad about....Needless to say we were late to school yesterday and it was worth it. This lesson is not over for me in fact it is just beginning but for the first time in a long time I am excited to see what the Lord does instead of holding my breath in fear.