First Day of School

As we enter each new school year I am always in awe of parents who make the great effort to create a fun 1^st day of school picture. I often consider creating one myself but in our house often the first day of school terrifies me as much if not more than my children. Truthfully I relate to those small children whose faces are terrified of Santa Claus as their parents force them to sit on his lap, that’s how I feel when I see the school year approach.

For the past month I have been preparing Bryce as he was about to enter school again 2 days a week. He was so excited about school and could not see past that excitement for the reality of what 9-2:30 really looked like. As one who had been down this road with him before I prepared. I prepared for the tears, for the misunderstanding that not being called on in class does not mean the teacher doesn’t like you. That it is okay if no one else’s favorite color is red… Things that to the average 7 year would not seem like a big deal but to out Bryce were the end of the world and lead to the words “I want to go home!” by 10am… the bubble had burst and he was no longer excited but rather annoyed that this day was not over.  On the other side of the table my guilt set in as I saw Judah’s school day constantly interrupted but me popping in and out of teacher rescue mode, to teacher. I wanted to go home! I wanted to cry like my 7 year old. How in the world could I do this another 89 times!

I returned home yesterday with my balloon completely deflated and just wanting a nap. The reality began to sink in that not only was this the first day of year, it was a big fat reminder that my normal is not the normal. And that my dreams of a 3 hour break once a week where I could do join a bible study, get my haircut, or frolic through the tulips without children would not be happening. I had my little pity party for about an hour and then as I listened quietly I could hear laughter and squealing as my boys played together down the hall. By the end of the day there was good reflection at the dinner table as Bryce could recall a positive experience from his Social Studies Class, and all Judah had to say about his day was how cool it was that he did Math and Language Arts on the computer! As Chris looked at me with a half “see I told you so smile” I began to realize that yes this was my reality and yes it is hard but in the Lord’s timing it was going to be okay. We will concur this Mountain one step at a time.

Life just never seems to go the way we plan so why do we spend so much time focusing on the disappointment of the plan that was never intended to be ours to begin with? I was reminded of this as I was reading my devotional again this morning “We don’t always see the Lord’s whole plan or understand what He is doing, but God’s plans are perfect and His timing is right. ~Shilo Taylor

Without the struggle we would not understand the victories. Without a lack of time I would not value the time I have. I would not trade the opportunity to be there for my kids even though it comes with many challenges. And although the first day of school is still scary for this mom, I know that one day I will be a small success for the one who is climbing a much bigger mountain in his little life than me. We will all make it, just thank God we are not alone, and HIS strength is perfect.

Big Things are Coming

As we prepare for the change of 2015 to 2016, I find myself reflecting on what has been and what’s to come. This year I pray expectantly for BIG changes for our family. I think the days of “what will be will be” have left my mouth and I pray specifically for something BIG. Something that most would think we are crazy to ask but I know that God is bigger than doubt and judgement. I have always wanted to live a life that displays the Lord’s grace and is pleasing to His eye and that comes with the belief that he can take all things and use them for His glory. For the past 9 and a half years we have been on a journey of growth and change. Chris has gone back to school and received his degree. We have lost 3 children and welcomed 2 into the world. I have lost my best friend and learned to trust in friendship again. We have walked through cancer, the discovery of autism in one of our children, change of jobs and life, the start of a business, and the fueling of a dream for our family that seems impossible to the human mind and eye.

But my heart soars at the thought of giving up the comfort of the known and predictable for the uncomfortable and unpredictable that GOD MAY DO SOMETHING BIGGER THAN WE CAN ASK OR IMAGINE! That our family may experience a change of culture and history. That my boys may grow and deepen in their understanding and belief in the Greatness and Strength of living in and for the Lord.

So for 2016 Chris, our boys, and I pray diligently for the Lord to take our family out of Georgia and back to the Northwest. We wait. We trust in his timing. And in the meantime we prepare. We do not know how the doors will open or when but we know why, because there is something there for us to do. We need to change a legacy. We began praying with our boys as we want them too to watch and see what The Lord does when we pray.  So we ask that you would pray with us because just as the church prayed for Peter and the jail doors opened, we need the gates to open, but just like Peter we will not force the doors but rather pray persistency and wait as patiently as possible. God is never late. He is always right on time. And in the meantime we wait. We continue in the work God has given us to do here and we wait in anticipation for the time when our next task begins. But may we be transparent in this time and journey that others may be encouraged and join us in prayer and trust. 2016 will bring a new chapter I am confident in it because it is not our comforts that we seek but His direction and His will.

We must live the lives we are teaching our children to desire. We want them to grow and be men of God who seek after Him and His desires first? Then we must be willing to listen and believe and follow if when it seems what we are following after is an impossibility. I pray that if you follow us on this journey that our transparency will somehow be used in your life. That our experience may help others as they too seek after The Lord and His direction.

Fork in a Light Socket

Sticking a fork in a light socket has never been a good idea but I am amazed how often we as adults do it. What? You may be asking, let me explain. However does our curiosity and impatience for the word no cause us to do something that we knew from the warnings we had received would be a bad idea.

A child is told from the time they can crawl and point "no" we even invented covers to keep a child from being tempted or able to place anything in a light socket. My oldest son is now 8 and in my personal opinion old enough to be able to plug something in when needed. However, the caution in his face each time he does is as if he is fearful for his life each time he plugs something in. I may chuckle at this response but when I really think about it, he reacts that way because he has just been told "no that will hurt you!" Well yes it would hurt him but only if he is not using the outlet for the purpose in which it was intended. But we do not stop and explain that to the toddler who is curious why? Because at the time of present danger they would not understand. We are simply telling them "trust me it is for your safety and well being." Hmmm... are you beginning to see the connection?

Many times we have been warned either by the Lord himself or by those he has placed in our lives. And sometimes we listen and step back. Other times we decided that we are independent! Old enough, capable, we are going to do it anyway! What happens? We stick a fork in the light socket that was intended for another purpose and we in the end find ourselves shocked. Literally.

I know in our current life we have asked the Lord to do something major. Something that would change our life and the lives of our family completely. We began to take the steps needed to move in the direction we wanted all the while seeking the Lord for assistance. Notice I did not say guidance. In the beginning we asked him to bless our decision and waited with great expectation for immediate change. Then as time began to move on and opportunities began to present themselves I was convinced that we were on the right path! This was it! And I was going to push and push to make it come faster! Then the word no came. Well that was not what I wanted to hear. I was so sure Lord! You said if we ask that you would bless it! I became disappointed, confused, and then...content. Like that bolt of electricity that bounces you on your butt after sticking the fork in the light socket, it hit me. I asked, I had faith, but I was not trusting.

In my request I asked that our family legacy would being to change as a result of this request. That there would be opportunities to impact others. All good things. All things that the Lord WILL bless, when it is time. Funny enough I don't like surprises but I was basically asking for one. The Lord knowing his child like he does allowed me to throw my fit, spanked me, then when I was rational said, are you ready to listen? "Leah I am preparing you, you are just not ready yet. But I promise you will be."

When it was time for my son to learn to plug the vacuum in, I showed him and he understood. If at 3 I was showing him how to plug it in, it would not have been safe for him. Why? Because simply, he wasn't ready. I was encouraged through this simple example that we often ask and then immediately ask Why? Why didn't it work the way I wanted it to or when I wanted it too? Sometimes the answer is simply, we are not ready, sometime it is that we are trying to use something for the wrong purpose. Either way what comfort to know that our Heavenly Father prepares us and protects us for the moments when we are just not there yet. He knows us better than we know ourselves, and although we could push the limits and force something we shouldn't, the peace comes in the trusting in HIS timing.

Through their eyes

Often times I learn things by watching my children. And this cannot be more true than when I get small glimpses into their hearts and minds. This past Friday as I was watching Bryce now 6, as he went through his Bible lesson for the day I was faced with deep compassion and confusion all at the same time. He has been learning the story of Abraham and is now at the part of Lot. Well I don't have to say much for those of you who know the story of Lot but for those who do not, Lot was spared by condition while Sodom and Gomorrah where destroyed. The condition "Obey the Lord, Look forward, leave the city and DO NOT look back. Lot and his two daughters obeyed and charged out of the city while Lot's wife on the other hand was turned to a pillar of salt... As they story was gently being taught by his bible story Bryce still got it. I watched as his face went from his natural "I'm interested" look to complete despair. He began to cry and grieve the loss of Lot's wife. "Why did God do that mom?"..."Well Bryce we always have a choice to make, will we choose to obey and follow after God or will we choose to follow the pleasures of the world? " "And if we follow the world God will turn us to salt mom? I don't want to be salt."

In that moment I wished I had his eyes and an once of the compassion that little boy has. There is a verse in Hebrews that says "Do not forget to show hospitality to strangers, for by so doing some people have shown hospitality to angels without knowing it. Hebrews 13:2.

If you have a child with a disability or with special needs, I believe  we are given this gift everyday. Do I think they are angels? No, but I do think they have courage that exceeds most, compassion deeper than most, and faith deeper and simpler than most. I don't know about you but I have never cried for Lot and his family. But I should. The stories of loss and despair should pierce my heart as deeply as the sacrifice of Christ. For if we had not fallen we would not have required His great sacrifice. My son's heart teaches me that my heart should hurt for all those who parish instead of my first thought which is "while they should have made a wise choice." True, but they parished and what is to say I will not encounter the same temptations they did.

Compassion my must be at the fore front of our hearts for the message of God's love to be heard, judgement is the easy way out, but thankfully it's not God's way.

Always a Journey...

I have always known that life is a journey, but I am finding as I travel that journey sometimes what I thought I knew was not just as I understood, but rather had a deeper understanding to come to life later down the road...I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. When Chris and I struggled to have children my heart hurt but when those little bundles finally made their arrival I was over joyed. I wanted to experience life with them and be their mother each day FULLY. I was working at the time and I did everything in my power to spend my days and time off with my boys to the fullest. Just being their mom.

I was blessed to have 2 years at home with them full time before it was clear that God was calling me back into ministry and the work force and calling my husband out. But wait! That was not how it was supposed to work! I am supposed to be home right? And yet we both knew this was what we were supposed to do. So here I am, working part-time and my husband is home... Recently we have had moments of wondering how this is possible? Our life is just so very different than most we are able to live very simply by building a business over the past 4 years that allows flexibility. Recently I have felt a little resentful that he is home with my babies and I am not. But this weekend things have really come to a head as I quiet my mind and mouth and just listen and watch.

You see there is this little boy who is 8 and needs his Daddy's strong hand as it guides him between right and wrong and gently and slowly walks him into manhood. To help him see the importance of being a tender and strong leader. And there is this other little boy who is 6 and needs more than I can give him right now. You see three years ago when I was home Bryce was different. Bryce's mind functioned differently. He was what the world considers "normal". There is a picture that hangs in my kitchen of Bryce with a giant smile, looking straight at the camera. It is constantly falling off the wall and yesterday when it  fell off the wall, I picked it up and I just stared at it. I remember the day like it was yesterday because it is one of the last memories I have of Bryce eating bread. Strange that something that seems so simple can break my heart so deeply. When others look at this picture they love it because of the joy popping off the canvas. And although I see that as well, I also see the little boy who is no longer there. But it is also because of that realization my desires as a mother have changed...

As we travel down this journey I have realized it is my deep desire to be a mother that makes me understand that right now, for this time, until we can BOTH be home, Bryce needs his Daddy here, full time. We did not know 9 years ago when Chris went back to school and began teaching Special Education that our son would need special education. But God did. We did not know that we would choose to homeschool our children so that they would receive a Christian Education. But God did. God knew and he also knows what's coming next. This journey is not clear because it is not supposed to be. Rather our blessings come from being obedient to what God gives each moment and blessing others along the way. My desire to be a mother right now means doing what is best for my boys no matter the sacrifices it may cause me. God will take care of it.  The realization that I can still be a mom. That I can still love and spend time with m boys but they need their Dad right now and the gifts God has equipped him with.

I am so grateful that I am never to old or wise to learn new things. I am grateful that I am always like a child where my understanding is concerned. God is never done teaching me. And I don't ever want to be to old or set in my ways to listen. I cannot find the blessings in the darkness if I do not look for the light that He is shining. I don't know that this is so encouraging to others but maybe just a reminder that we most always look for the Lord's leading and follow it knowing even in the simple things there is peace and God does have it all in His hands. This journey is most defiantly how I pictured it. But I am learning that I have only seen a small piece of the picture and I have to wait for the Creator to finish it..

Would you do it?

It's been an interesting few weeks here in my mind... of course spurred but events that transpired over the time and especially within the last 24 hours. Last night I received a call from Chris's mom to come over as it seemed that Grandma, who has been living with them, had passed away. As I confirmed that she was indeed gone, my mind began to once again race with all the things that needed to be done.... you see planning funerals is something I have been told I am good at. To me it is not a compliment but rather a reminder of the multiple times I have experienced loss and the pain and chaos that comes with it. Regardless this time around it made me ponder a thought, "If you had known would you do it?"

This was a question I posed to my husband two weeks ago on our 10 year anniversary as I reflected on all we had been through in 10 years. So I asked him "If you had known would you endured these 10 years?" If God had sat us down and said "now before you get married I just want you to know, you are going to struggle with infertility, Leah you are going to have major move and leave all your family, and are going to loose your best friend at the age of 29. Chris you are going to watch your wife struggle with depression, your second child is going have special needs, and your wife is going to get sick. And that's just in the first 10 years." If God had said all of that, would you have said "Yes sign me up!" His response..."Yes because every moment has been worth it."

Today I have pondered that question a different way. Many times as a young adult I heard testimonies of those who had found Jesus and all the great things they had gone on to do. I admire them because I had never really had to find Jesus I was introduced at a young age and have loved Him since I can remember. I have not wrestled with temptation or lack of understanding as to who God is. But now at the age of 35 I wonder, if God had told me all that would happen would I have signed up to follow him and live out this plan He had for my life? Or would I have pushed and pulled and tried to change it? I can tell you that when I pondered whether I would have said yes to my marriage I thought about Chris and left up to me I probably would have said "Lord please, no, let the man go and live in peace!" But I think that is where my thought process is backwards. Living in peace is living in the Lord's will. I think of Peter when Jesus told him that he would be hung on a cross as well. And yet Peter knowing what he knew said okay. And went on to spread the word.

If I had known would I have responded like Peter? I would hope so. I know this, I would not trade the moments I had with those I have lost if I knew I was going to loose them. And I would not want to be anyone else than the person God has formed me to be and continues to form me to be. Chris words no matter how hard at times they have been come back to me..."it was worth every moment." That is what I want to say. I want to live in faith that no matter how hard things may seem or how my heart may hurt from time to time, it will all be worth it...

Making sense at 12:30...

What do you do when it is 12:30am and you can't sleep? Well take something to help you sleep of course. What do you do when that doesn't work? Well you take that as your que to get up and try to make sense of all that is racing through your brain to get it out of there. Most of the time when it is the middle of the night and I am not sleeping, there is a little boy to help entertain me as he is the reason I am awake. But not this time. NO this time I am pondering this very interesting point that we are in our lives and the heaviness I feel as I watch what our world is becoming.

Today alone just by getting online to check e-mail, facebook, and purchase a fan I saw  multiple articles spot lighting a young man who has now become famous for a mass murder. Watched a video where plan parenthood could not explain why after a batched abortion attempt what they considered a fetus, now outside of the womb was still not considered a child and deserved no help to live. And saw one too many ads in favor of same sex marriage. I was left wondering where we are going. We seem to have entered a time where we have absolutely no concept of right and wrong. I think what happened in Charleston is horrible and very sad for the nation yes but especially for those families who lost one of their own. I think it is over the top frustrating that we cannot stop reporting on it long enough to get one set of facts and stop bringing fame to the one who committed the act. Has anyone stopped to wonder if maybe these things keep happening in what seems to be more and more frequently because we give attention to the wrong thing? We are not focusing on the lesson to be learned but rather the who done it and why. Why did this young man commit this horrible act? Because we live in a fallen world where Satan is very much at work. Where parents turn a blind eye to violent video games because everyone is playing them so it must be alright. We don't give our children consequences, or adults for that matter, because we fear it may upset them or make them feel less about themselves. Well possibly if we understood consequences we would be less likely to do things that create them.

Today I saw a game show from back in the 70's. It was interesting to me how uncomfortable the contestants got if they had to say the word bathroom. There was modesty and the harshest words spoken was "oh shoot" with regret, if they missed the question. Now, 30 years later I can't even feel comfortable with my sons seeing a PG movie without first previewing because there is a good chance something far worse than "oh shoot" will be said. I have begun to realize more and more each day that my desire to keep my children children is a very difficult task because it is not shared by many. I wonder when we stopped caring about those standing next to us? When did it become okay to criticizes those who still live within moral boundaries? I tell my boys no girls till they are 25 and yes we giggle about it but there is a deep part of me that is serious. Do we understand the importance of waiting for that commitment? Do kids or young adults understand if you give it all away before your married there is nothing special left for the one who is supposed to be special? 

It is highly likely that my opionins tonight at 1am are not going to be popular. That my character may be questioned. So let me take this in a way that may help clarify. We are living in a world that finds less and less need for a Savior as we make more and more choices that increase our need for a Savior. Christ came the first time as a baby because the world had fallen to a point that we needed a clean slate. We needed the promised Messiah who would offer life abundantly. And He came. He taught. He died for us. And He is coming again. The part that weighs on my heart is that we have taken the Bible and turned it into a great "story". Heck there is even a TV show about it! And it is popluar! And what's wrong with that? The Bible isn't just a made up story. It's not a novel to base a great movie off of. It is the reality we face. And for those who have read it you know how it ends. He returns. We win. But only if we have chosen to live our lives for Him. I believe this means our thoughts and our actions. We must stand firm on the truth we have been given. We must believe everything as it is written. I have recently been told a few times "the Bible is confusing." I apologize but I disagree 100%. I do not believe the Bible is confusing I believe it is pretty clear. I believe the Bible becomes confusing when it goes against what we want to hear. If there is room for exception and change in the words of the Bible then what is the point? Why have it or believe it at all?

You see this is what happens when we pick and choose our own right and wrong. We make a mess. We have a big mess. A mess that our children will be walking through. A mess that will get deeper and deeper. It isn't going to get better I am afraid. As much as I would pray that things will change, that we will recognize our wrongs and change our ways, we know how the book ends. Jesus comes back and why? Because we need a Savior. If we can realize this and continue to share the good news and salvation He brings than maybe, just maybe, more people would look to the Bible for that moral ground we are loosing. Maybe just maybe we would stop looking for the entertainment in every tragic thing and begin to look for a true solution. Salvation is real and God can change hearts. There is hope for change if we are asking Him to be the author and creator of that change. Change will not happen on our own. We have to ask, seek, and except his guidance. No more exceptions.

No Fall Back Plan

As we get closer and closer to the close of this season of Lent I am reminded that God did not have a fall back plan. There was no "if this happens I'll do this." There was no scenario A, B, and so on. Nope just one purpose. One plan. To send His one and only Son to save us.

Yet for some reason, have you noticed that we all seem to need multiple options? We have to have all our bases covered just incase, to insure that things go the way WE intend them to go. We constantly manipulate a plan that will in sure that in the end we will not fail. We will remain in the comforts we know. That if what we are currently pursuing does not come to fruition we have all these other things on the side and surely one of them will act as a band aid for a period of time.

What if we stopped having a back up plan? Would it cause us to rely more on the Lord? Would we find ourselves in unchartered territory, unsure of how all the pieces fit? Most likely. And most likely the thought of that very scenario terrifies most of us to our core. We may stand and say "No that is what I want! That is what I am going to do!" But when it comes right down to it, most of us would be like Peter when asked if he knew and loved Jesus, we would deny it simply out of fear of the unknown outcome.

This past year Chris and I made a decision that there was no turning for our family. No fall back plan. We were moving forward in the direction God was leading. Burning some boats that would mean less security in the world and that we could not go back to what was comfortable. There have been many days that when I stop and try to wrap my head around it, I feel like I am standing on the edge of the Grand Canyon one step from falling over. But in the end, I know that we are on the path to something bigger. God has revealed time and time again "Leah I have more for your family than you can imagine." I am reminded in the words of my children. In the dedication and commitment to the Lord I see in my husband. Our life has never been more sound. And not because we have everything we could possibly imagine but because we have NO BACK UP PLAN. It is God's way or no way for our family. It is God's Plan or bust.

Back up plans equal doubt. It is a simple truth. You must pursue what God reveals and leads you to do. Because if you do not, and if you claim to want His will for your life, then your gut will stir without rest until you listen. In the case of Trusting the Lord, peace comes with lack of security in the world.

Day 2 of 40

As a parent it should come as no surprise that some of the biggest lessons I learn are through my children. They are also my largest frustrations. Yesterday I was met at the door with a screaming child, mine, and a frustrated teacher due to the behaviors. Then I was met with another spinning child and a frustrated parent, my husband. I proclaimed "I am done! I quit! I cannot take care of all the problems of this job and be a good mom. In that instant I felt like a plate spinning aimlessly in the air before crashing straight into a wall and shattering...

Why was this so hard? Why is my son so hard... because he just myself, is human. We need comfort and reassurance, some more than others. We crave direction, explanations, answers, and control. They is not one of us that wants to be that spinning plate. Knowing that I could not quit my life I had to take a moment and a deep breath and evaluate what was going on. I wanted to burst into tears like my 5 year old hoping I would feel better. Why? Because at that moment I wanted to be comforted so what did I do, I comforted my 5 year old. A little boy who just want to know things would be okay and he could have his cookie. Funny if I read that out loud but isn't that how we all are? Sometimes we just want God to let us know we are going to get our cookie.

Now onto the 7 year old who was pushing the limits. Why must he always push the limits! Because he is insecure and just wants to know that if he falls, we are going to be there to help him back up. A little boy who has ability beyond most is insecure? Again as I evaluate, I am insecure about every twenty minutes! I make a choice and then question it. I place things in my shopping cart, walk around the store for 45 minutes and talk myself out of every item I put in the cart! Yes we are all insecure! We all want to know that if we fall God is going to help us back up...

The reality is we should not be concerned with whether or not we are going to get our cookie. We should not be scared that if we fall God will not help us back up. He sent His son. The biggest cookie we could receive and the biggest pillow we could fall on. He gave everything to us. We are human and we are going to forget what we have. But for me it is in the crazy moments of life that I am reminded more than ever that Jesus has it. He has it all. This morning I stared at those two little boys and I thought, "I want so much more for you than the world's normal." And I imagine that is what God is whispering to me each day. "Leah, I want so much more for you than the world's normal." A feeling of peace come over to me as I type those words. A reminder that Jesus came so we would have more than the worlds normal.

Day 1 of 40

Over the next 40 days, during this time of lent, I want to make a conscious effort to reflect on the words God has given us. Today as I was reading through my devotions, the term "broken hearted" was themed through out. Having peace in the midst of a broken heart, knowing that Jesus came for the broken hearted. I love looking back through the old testament as well though and seeing how God came to the broken hearted. We do not have to be in a state of complete devastation to understand what it means to be broken hearted. To me it is simply being in a place where there is a lack of peace of circumstances either in our lives or the lives of those we love. Moses was broken hearted over the choices that he had made. Abraham and Sarah were broken hearted over the inability to have a child. King David was broken hearted over what he saw as disappointing the Lord. Daniel was worn and broken hearted in the lions den when the Lord appeared to him. Joseph was broken hearted over what he thought was the betrayal of his betrothed Mary. The disciples over the loss of Jesus, Paul the constant persecution he faced...

The list goes on and on. But the outcome remains the same in each situation. God met them where they were and took them through what would be the completion of His plan for them. God seeks the broken hearted. God heals the broken hearted. Out of each of these examples came great glory and encouragement to us all that in times when we are broken hearted, God is near. His plan is still very real and He will make himself known to comfort and encourage us.

I can't think of a better time to reflect on this then during this time of lent. Jesus had to be broken hearted for the people who refused to see and except the truth as it was literally staring them straight in the face. The reality is...we still do that today. Has his truth stared straight at you and in response you turn your head? Ignore it? Avoid it? During this season I want to embrace the truth of what Jesus has for me as He stares straight at me. I know that something may be hard to swallow but I also know the true depth of my heart is that God would receive glory through the way I live me life.