Would you do it?

It's been an interesting few weeks here in my mind... of course spurred but events that transpired over the time and especially within the last 24 hours. Last night I received a call from Chris's mom to come over as it seemed that Grandma, who has been living with them, had passed away. As I confirmed that she was indeed gone, my mind began to once again race with all the things that needed to be done.... you see planning funerals is something I have been told I am good at. To me it is not a compliment but rather a reminder of the multiple times I have experienced loss and the pain and chaos that comes with it. Regardless this time around it made me ponder a thought, "If you had known would you do it?"

This was a question I posed to my husband two weeks ago on our 10 year anniversary as I reflected on all we had been through in 10 years. So I asked him "If you had known would you endured these 10 years?" If God had sat us down and said "now before you get married I just want you to know, you are going to struggle with infertility, Leah you are going to have major move and leave all your family, and are going to loose your best friend at the age of 29. Chris you are going to watch your wife struggle with depression, your second child is going have special needs, and your wife is going to get sick. And that's just in the first 10 years." If God had said all of that, would you have said "Yes sign me up!" His response..."Yes because every moment has been worth it."

Today I have pondered that question a different way. Many times as a young adult I heard testimonies of those who had found Jesus and all the great things they had gone on to do. I admire them because I had never really had to find Jesus I was introduced at a young age and have loved Him since I can remember. I have not wrestled with temptation or lack of understanding as to who God is. But now at the age of 35 I wonder, if God had told me all that would happen would I have signed up to follow him and live out this plan He had for my life? Or would I have pushed and pulled and tried to change it? I can tell you that when I pondered whether I would have said yes to my marriage I thought about Chris and left up to me I probably would have said "Lord please, no, let the man go and live in peace!" But I think that is where my thought process is backwards. Living in peace is living in the Lord's will. I think of Peter when Jesus told him that he would be hung on a cross as well. And yet Peter knowing what he knew said okay. And went on to spread the word.

If I had known would I have responded like Peter? I would hope so. I know this, I would not trade the moments I had with those I have lost if I knew I was going to loose them. And I would not want to be anyone else than the person God has formed me to be and continues to form me to be. Chris words no matter how hard at times they have been come back to me..."it was worth every moment." That is what I want to say. I want to live in faith that no matter how hard things may seem or how my heart may hurt from time to time, it will all be worth it...

Making sense at 12:30...

What do you do when it is 12:30am and you can't sleep? Well take something to help you sleep of course. What do you do when that doesn't work? Well you take that as your que to get up and try to make sense of all that is racing through your brain to get it out of there. Most of the time when it is the middle of the night and I am not sleeping, there is a little boy to help entertain me as he is the reason I am awake. But not this time. NO this time I am pondering this very interesting point that we are in our lives and the heaviness I feel as I watch what our world is becoming.

Today alone just by getting online to check e-mail, facebook, and purchase a fan I saw  multiple articles spot lighting a young man who has now become famous for a mass murder. Watched a video where plan parenthood could not explain why after a batched abortion attempt what they considered a fetus, now outside of the womb was still not considered a child and deserved no help to live. And saw one too many ads in favor of same sex marriage. I was left wondering where we are going. We seem to have entered a time where we have absolutely no concept of right and wrong. I think what happened in Charleston is horrible and very sad for the nation yes but especially for those families who lost one of their own. I think it is over the top frustrating that we cannot stop reporting on it long enough to get one set of facts and stop bringing fame to the one who committed the act. Has anyone stopped to wonder if maybe these things keep happening in what seems to be more and more frequently because we give attention to the wrong thing? We are not focusing on the lesson to be learned but rather the who done it and why. Why did this young man commit this horrible act? Because we live in a fallen world where Satan is very much at work. Where parents turn a blind eye to violent video games because everyone is playing them so it must be alright. We don't give our children consequences, or adults for that matter, because we fear it may upset them or make them feel less about themselves. Well possibly if we understood consequences we would be less likely to do things that create them.

Today I saw a game show from back in the 70's. It was interesting to me how uncomfortable the contestants got if they had to say the word bathroom. There was modesty and the harshest words spoken was "oh shoot" with regret, if they missed the question. Now, 30 years later I can't even feel comfortable with my sons seeing a PG movie without first previewing because there is a good chance something far worse than "oh shoot" will be said. I have begun to realize more and more each day that my desire to keep my children children is a very difficult task because it is not shared by many. I wonder when we stopped caring about those standing next to us? When did it become okay to criticizes those who still live within moral boundaries? I tell my boys no girls till they are 25 and yes we giggle about it but there is a deep part of me that is serious. Do we understand the importance of waiting for that commitment? Do kids or young adults understand if you give it all away before your married there is nothing special left for the one who is supposed to be special? 

It is highly likely that my opionins tonight at 1am are not going to be popular. That my character may be questioned. So let me take this in a way that may help clarify. We are living in a world that finds less and less need for a Savior as we make more and more choices that increase our need for a Savior. Christ came the first time as a baby because the world had fallen to a point that we needed a clean slate. We needed the promised Messiah who would offer life abundantly. And He came. He taught. He died for us. And He is coming again. The part that weighs on my heart is that we have taken the Bible and turned it into a great "story". Heck there is even a TV show about it! And it is popluar! And what's wrong with that? The Bible isn't just a made up story. It's not a novel to base a great movie off of. It is the reality we face. And for those who have read it you know how it ends. He returns. We win. But only if we have chosen to live our lives for Him. I believe this means our thoughts and our actions. We must stand firm on the truth we have been given. We must believe everything as it is written. I have recently been told a few times "the Bible is confusing." I apologize but I disagree 100%. I do not believe the Bible is confusing I believe it is pretty clear. I believe the Bible becomes confusing when it goes against what we want to hear. If there is room for exception and change in the words of the Bible then what is the point? Why have it or believe it at all?

You see this is what happens when we pick and choose our own right and wrong. We make a mess. We have a big mess. A mess that our children will be walking through. A mess that will get deeper and deeper. It isn't going to get better I am afraid. As much as I would pray that things will change, that we will recognize our wrongs and change our ways, we know how the book ends. Jesus comes back and why? Because we need a Savior. If we can realize this and continue to share the good news and salvation He brings than maybe, just maybe, more people would look to the Bible for that moral ground we are loosing. Maybe just maybe we would stop looking for the entertainment in every tragic thing and begin to look for a true solution. Salvation is real and God can change hearts. There is hope for change if we are asking Him to be the author and creator of that change. Change will not happen on our own. We have to ask, seek, and except his guidance. No more exceptions.