The Gift of a Child

As I continue on with the Christmas season the routine questions have begun to fly. "What do you want for Christmas?" "What's our spending limit?"... but instead of just thinking of something to purchase I have begun to think of other questions to ask. "What do I already HAVE for Christmas?", "Do I really need anything?"... It has been so clear to me this year more than others that I can do without. Chris and I have been trying to pay off all our debt so that we can live a simple, less stressed life. And in order to do that we have had to take a lot of the "unneeded" items out of our life which has forced us to be content with the necessities and not have such a long list of "wants". I have even found that a lot of the items on the want list are not even for us individually, but more for our family as a whole. In a lot of ways this new perspective has helped to clarify what is really important and that materials are just that. Chris and I were discussing this weekend as we decorated for Christmas that our home has never felt so warm. Our tree is up and the lights hung, but the focus of the room is our mantel where our Nativity scene is placed. Strangely enough I wanted a star above the fire place this year. I wanted a physical reminder each day of the faith it takes to follow a star and the joy that is found beneath it. And placed directly beneath our start is Mary holding baby Jesus. He is not in a manger with all eye looking on him but afraid to touch, no he is placed in his mother's arms where I believe he probably spent most of his time as an infant. See in a lot of nativity scenes Jesus is placed on his little pedestal with his arms raised and everyone gazing on him. But when I look at our nativity scene I see Mary holding her baby. Looking upon him as all new mothers do, with complete amazement and 100% satisfaction found in his small but perfect face. In a lot of ways this was probably the first gift Mary had received in her life. I am not sure but am guessing they did not regularly make out a Christmas list back then. But here Jesus came as the gift for ALL mankind and she got to hold him. She got to know the savior intimately and help him learn how to crawl, walk, talk, and the love that she got to show him. Now I did not give birth to Jesus but I did receive the greatest gift and twice now! I have never felt so blessed as when I held my babies for the first time. Chris and I lost three babies along the way which in a lot of ways made those moments that much more special. But to hold them for the first time... and to hold them now is a true gift. Not a gift that I will one day put to the back of the closet or give away, but my true gift, my children. It is upon this revelation that my "wants" really went out the window. I am just thankful this year and content with having my family. I don't think the warmth in my heart can even be clearly explained, but maybe if you gaze upon a star this Christmas season God will begin to show you the things He has filled my heart with. And remember that most gifts are not found on a shelf but a lot of times can be found in our own hearts if we just look...

Big Tree vs. Little Tree

Have you ever been in a place where you so badly want to feel joy but no matter how hard you try it feels like someone pops your balloon daily? That is how I have felt today. Trying so hard to be joyful in the midst of challenge and do the best with what we have instead of hoping for things we don't. Yesterday was Thanksgiving and although the morning started off okay, my Thanksgiving dinner came to a quick end 20 minutes after it started. I was forced to take my children home due to their behavior and give them naps. I then spent the remainder of my Thanksgiving day much like every other day, cleaning house and organizing. Then today as we were joyful headed out to get our Christmas Tree I made the mistake of heading to the mailbox to grab the mail. I noticed a very thin envelope form our insurance company (never a good sign) and opened it. It stated "due to peeling paint on our rental our insurance policy is non-renewable" ????? Really over paint? There went the joy. ZAP! We tried to make the best of the afternoon. Going to our local tree lot "Home Depot" and then to Hobby Lobby to gather a very few inexpensive decorations to finish our Christmas. Then back home we went. As I was riding next to my husband I was quiet and in much thought. "Lord please help. I want to be joyful this Christmas season and this world is making it very hard." Why does money have to be so important? Why does it have to make or break so much of what we do in life? Still pondering I returned home to begin the Christmas decorating. Although it was fun I still had an unsettled heart about the whole day and really this whole month. Then this evening Judah began to decorate his tree with Bryce. I was decorating the big tree and soon my son was stealing all of my ornaments! "Judah those are for the big tree" I tried to explain but that was not the answer he was looking for. The crying and screaming began. Over ornaments? Where is the Christmas Joy! Well this evening I have realized it is in my pocket book. I have been so discontent over my pocket book. See just like my son wanted the ornaments on his tree I want the money in my wallet. God's wallet is much bigger than mine surly He could spare a little for me just as I spared a few ornaments for my crying son. Then Judah on his own will decided that the wooden ornaments should go on the big tree. When was the last time I joyful gave to the Father's "Big Tree" out of trust that He knows best rather than obligation? Instead of being fearful of what my wallet looks like I have to trust that the Lord has it under control. The only reason money has determined my mood is because I am still trying to control it. This time more than many in my life I have to take the money out of my wallet and give it to the Lord because I don't know what to do with it. The needs are to great for my brain. So there it is I am giving it away regardless of what my "little tree" will look like in the end.

Simple Joys

This past week I have been faced with the uncertainty of finances and found myself in a disappointed state of mind. I was disappointed that my kids would not have a GREAT Christmas and that we really are unable to afford to make others feel blessed during this Christmas season. I could careless if there was anything under the tree for me but for the ones that I love, I wanted it to be special. I have been seeking the deals and putting little things away that I have found and then yesterday my balloon popped. We were forced to make repairs to our rental home that I did not even want in the first place! How frustrating because now here I found myself asking what I could return to the store that would help a little with the unexpected expenses. All day yesterday I was frustrated and disappointed with the way things were. "Lord we have been trying so hard to be wise with our finances and careful with what we spend and now this? Will it ever just be simple?" As I stewed in my frustration I began to wonder if maybe the Lord was showing me what "simple" means. I want my kids to grow up with simple traditions. Content with the fact that it is Christmas and we get to celebrate Christ and not so much the presents under the tree, yet here I was so discontent with it. So in the midst of my frustration I started crunching numbers as I seem to do so often. What is the tree going to cost? What can we salvage from last year? What do we have and how can we decorate with just that? I began to inventory the Christmas decorations. Pulling them out one by one I began to notice that the things I treasured most of all were the small things Judah had made with his own two hands. I began hanging them around the house and then once again the Lord used my 3 year old son as his vessel. "Mom is it Christmas!" He said with such joy in his voice and oh how excited he was to help me take out the decorations. He wanted to decorate his little tree and hold his stocking. Here was Judah content with the simple things. Here I was so warm from looking at the small gifts my son had made last year. Then it hit me. Yes the Lord was showing me what simple is. I don't need anything nor does the rest of my family. What we need is the gentle reminder of why we celebrate. The rest of it just makes me crazy! We may not have the best Christmas card this year, and many gifts maybe made with our own two hands, but this is for sure all of it will be done in love and together. My challenge from the Lord this week has been to except the disciple he is placing in our lives to achieve the goals in which we have set. To enjoy this Christmas season for the simple yet complicated reason that Christ came as a babe to save us. It is not centered on whether or not we got the date right but rather the fact that we take time out of the business of life and this world we live in and focus our eyes back on Jesus. The wise men had a one track mind when they followed the star, a desire to see the Messiah. So this year may we too follow that star....even now I believe it will lead us straight to joy.

A thankful heart

With Turkey Thursday upon us I find myself pondering on the Thanksgiving season. Personally being a Children's Director the month of November is spent preparing for Christmas so it is a little difficult to get into the Thanksgiving season when you are SO excited and immersed in Christmas, but I did my best. I had my usual "Thanksgiving" speech with the kids this past Sunday as many of them will be gone this coming week. I emphasized the importance of being thankful for ALL things that God gives. And not just thanking him once a year but being grateful each day that we are given. But as some may expect my talk got me thinking. I am grateful for many things past and present but this year I find myself thankful for something it seems I have taken for granted. I am good at thanking the Lord for my husband daily as well as my kids. But one thing I seem to have put to the back of my mind is the anchors he has placed in my life. When I was 18 I began my journey at Central Washington University were I met some crazy but amazing girls. I was lucky enough to meet 4 girls whom I would say have become the anchors in my life in a way I don't think any of us ever imagined. It can best be described as the "Land of misfit toys" 5 girls in a crowd some you would put together, others you would not, but the Lord created what has proven to be an unbreakable bond. We began our journey in the "H.O.L." or "House of Love". Becky and Tyffany where there first than came me followed by Torre and Erika. Each had their role Tyff the Leader of the pack, Torre the muscle, Becky the comic relief, Erika the well rounded and priceless one, and Leah.... the busy one. With 5 girls (really 6 but one shall remain nameless) in a house you can imagine the conversations, laughter, and even tears that went on in our house. There were many late nights spent together and grumpy early mornings but most of all there was unconditional love. We could speak our minds but still knew the others would understand and get past it because we were family. God took the 5 of us and built a bond and support that has seen us all through much pain some individual, and some felt by all over the past 10 years. I realize during this Thanksgiving season that I am not thankful enough for these women. I have been blessed to have sisters. We may not share DNA but the Lord knew we would need each other for the rest of our lives. We have all gone our separate ways in life, built new relationships, and have continued to follow the plan God has for our lives, but what I have not realized is we are still all on the same path. We are still walking with one another even when some go ahead and some behind, there come moments when we walk side by side. I pray that my boys are blessed enough to have "anchors" in their lives. I pray they have those who will walk with them. Help them lift the sails of life when things get difficult. I don't know why God chose to bless me with these 4 women but he did so although Thanksgiving is not normally a time for resolutions, this year my Thanksgiving resolutions is to not take this gift for granted and make a better effort to spend time with those who are left. Although we will all miss the one who has gone ahead, may we remember to hold each other up and walk forward in joy knowing that one day we will all laugh in the same house once again.

Love you ladies...

31 years and Counting....

Today it's my 31st birthday and although I do not technically turn 31 until 8:35pm this evening, I have found myself reflecting on the fact that I have been on this earth for 31 yrs.! In the grand scheme of things that may not seem like much time to most but to a person who has clear memories of being 12 and thinking I would never grow up, it's HUGE. I was trying to think of a verse that best reflects my life and how the Lord has guided my steps for a VERY longtime. At a young age my family began to endure hardship. Financially, emotional, physically again at the time it felt like an eternity but looking back now those 8 years were nothing. But during those 8 years I learned a lot about the Lord and his grace. For some reason it was during that time it became clear to me that He had a special plan for my life that would require me to stand up walk forward with him not looking back at the pains I had endured but rather thanking Him for the molding and transformation that had transpired and walking away a changed person each time. It is for these many reasons this was the verse I chose today...He lifted me out of the slimy pit, out of the mud and mire; he set my feet on a rock and gave me a firm place to stand. He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Psalms 40:2-3... I am grateful that in the midst of trial and change at a young age God chose to set me on a path with himself. There has been pain, change, and struggle, but most of all there has been joy. When I look back at birthdays past I miss my mothers cakes and homemade pizza dinners, I miss Erika call year after year and wishing me "Uh Happy Birthday Gus, Gus", but I am thankful for the friends and family the Lord has blessed me with. Over the past 31 years I have been a daughter, granddaughter, sister, aunt, wife, mother, and friend. I know that if God chooses to bless me with another 31 years I hope he continues to light my path and allow me to walk with him in whatever ways he chooses. I do not have many deep aspirations any more just to serve the Lord an my family in a way that is pleasing to Him. The rest is just stuff and minor details that are not near as big as his GLORY.....

So to all of you who have been a part of this journey past and present, thank you for the memories and I pray that God is just as present for you as he is and has been for my past 31 years.

In the Blink of an eye...

Last night as I was unloading the dishwasher my 3 year old son Judah came in and ask me if he could help. "Teaching moment!" I thought to myself and proceeded to hand him the silverware and explain how to separate it. He was so excited and did it perfectly! When he was finished he handed me the empty basket and said "okay mom now you can play with me!" Once again I was quickly reminded that my kids need me even I am tired. So we ran around the house for a while. Mommy chasing two boys and then we played hide and seek. Judah and Bryce would run to the same place each time it was their turn to hide and I would "pretend" I did not know where they were and keep running by saying "where did those boys go?" And oh how they would laugh. They must have thought they were so clever and the laughter that came from the closet was priceless. They could not see my face but I could hardly contain the laughter myself. We played for about an hour and then it was time to settle down for bed. As I began the bedtime routine with Bryce I began to realize how fast my baby is turning into a little boy right before my eyes. And although I enjoy this playful stage with him I found myself sad that soon just like his older brother he would barely fit in my arms. I held him a little longer last night and then placed him in his crib and walked back down stairs to find Judah ready for me. I then found myself reflecting on Judah as I realized how long he is. And how when I scoop him up it takes a lot more effort than it did a year ago. How fast this time flies and how quickly our innocents is lost. 2 years from now my sons will most likely no longer believe I don't know where they are hiding and 15 years from now they will have experienced some of the pain life can bring. I find myself wanting to freeze them in time if only to prevent them from pain. I can't help but wonder if though the Father had a plan was there a moment He wanted to freeze Jesus in time. I am sure Mary did. I am sure there was a moment when she realized Jesus' knowledge had past her. When her son no longer wanted to play but had a job to do. Oh how she probably wished she could hold him in her arms and shelter him from the pain of the cross. Even as parents when we know it is for the best it is hard to watch our children in pain. See I know that my children will begin their journey in what will feel like the blink of an eye and I trust that the Lord has a special plan for each of them. But I also know that plan will involve struggle. God will have to form them and that will mean some chiseling from the Craftsman but through it all I hope my boys look back and remember their innocents. Remember playing hide and seek and the simple joy that God has to offer in this life. Although they will go through the fire, I pray that the ground work is done before and they look back and maybe even ask me to hold their hand. I think that if Jesus could have, maybe He would have asked his mom to hold his hand. But we all know he want to protect his mother from pain as well. Interesting how the roles can change in what seem to be a blink....

"Lord,...help....."

As a mom I am learning things that bothered me before now drive me to a place of deep frustration. Before I had kids there were behaviors from others that I maybe did not agree with but was able to ignore and get past, but now with children send anger through me and quickly. Yesterday I was forced to deal with one of these behaviors from a family member and for the rest of the day I was short, intolerable and deeply frustrated. Who saw these behaviors most? My children. By mid-day I hung my head in shame. "Oh Lord I don't want this for my kids. I don't want them to see this person I don't want to be." I know that the root of the issue was the judgement I was placing on my family member due to their actions. They wanted me to be excited about what is going on in their life and all I could think was "here we go again." As a result I was not being the mom my kids deserve. At ages 3 and 17 months my kids are going to do things that make no sense to an adult and on most days I as a mom am able to settle my emotions in order to teach the appropriate behavior. But yesterday in all honesty I was the one who needed a time out. Judah told me no about 50 times as a 3 year old will do and then continued to push my buttons time and time again. I will leave the response up to your imagination but keep in mind I would describe my behavior similar to the behavior I was trying to correct with my 3 year old hence why the behavior probably continued with my 3 year old. The long and the short of it is I need to be a better person for my children. And I am learning that in order to do that I have to distance myself from things that don't sit well with me until the Lord helps me through them. There are times when I wonder why He even continues to try with me and that it why I continue to try with my family. "If God can do it, I can too." No actually I can't. God's sovereignty and patience with our behavior is far greater than anything I can comprehend. I allowed someones actions to affect the way I interacted with my children and as a result they have that image of me that I can no longer erase in their mind. As a parent I feel it is my job to look to the best interest of my children first and everyone else second. I know that my judgement of other's actions is bitterly eating at my heart and that is something the Lord will have to clean and mend once again. I want to be a person that radiates his love and light to others and in order for that to be true I have to distance myself from the things that are "TOO BIG" for me to "fix" and let the Lord do it. Prayer is all I have and my example to my children is all they see.

"Lord I pray that today you will guide my steps, and cover my mind. Let me see the work you are doing instead of the flaws. Remind me of the mirror located in the my bathroom that would love to remind me of my flaws. And open my heart to love my sons deeply and unconditionally with the same love you give me that they may look to the source of that love in each day to come. Amen"

Doubt....

Yesterday I got a phone call from one of my dearest friends who I have not spoken with in months. The conversation was way to short but she always gets me thinking even when she doesn't know it. She simply mentioned during our conversation that she enjoys my blog. I then felt the need to share briefly with her why I started writing it. I have heard from others that they liked the blog and have thanked them for their kinds words but for some reason when my friend said it I thought to myself "maybe God is doing this.." 2-3 years ago I was pondering what I should be doing. Was I doing the right thing? Was God using me? What should I be doing? Then I felt Gods lay it on my heart. "Leah I want you to speak." Speak? Me? Okay well maybe when I am 50 I will have something worth sharing. That gives me a good 20 years to figure it out. I would be reminded of that request here and there but for the most part I doubted those words. I must have heard wrong because no doors opened. I had no requests for me to share and frankly I did not even know where to start with that request so obviously I was mistaken. Then last March I believe in my lowest of lows I heard it again! Again? "And what am I to share Lord?" I have nothing to be proud of. Nothing worth following. I would look at my bible day after day just praying that something would jump out at me but nothing. They were just words on a page. I felt like God was the farthest away from me he had ever been in my life. I was empty. And God wanted me to speak? Then I thought well maybe if I start writing things down one day it will come to me. So that is what I did i started blogging. Putting into words the thoughts running through my head. Then this morning my devotion was on doubt. Wow if that wasn't a hit to the heart. That is what I have been doing. I have been doubting that God could do something with these words. The first part of my task is to be obedient and trust. You see I realized I don't have anything to share but God does. I do not know where this will all lead but I have to be willing to go down this road trusting and following regardless of the result. It is not my will or ego that is important but rather that God recieve glory from it.

So thank you all for your encouragement and support I truly am blessed to be cared for.