Like A Baby

Well we survived Christmas! Our Christmas was a little different this year since my oldest son had his tonsils out. He has been recovering from the pain and we have been recovering from his recovery. The past few nights have been almost completely sleepless for me thanks to my now almost 19 month old who has been waking every hour for a reason that is not clear to me. Yesterday morning he woke crying at 4:30 am and stayed awake. I laid there with him hoping he would fall back asleep somewhere in those 3 hours but no luck. I felt strongly that I REALLY wanted to sleep and he felt strongly that he did not. At about 7:15 his little arms wrapped around my neck and I felt the little patting of a small hand on my back. It was as if he was trying to comfort me from the long night I had just experienced. In that instant the tiredness was no longer a focus. I immediately was reminded of this sweet little baby who before my eyes was quickly turning into a little boy. Later that morning I headed out for a run which for many reasons lately has helped me. The biggest reason for the run this morning was to achieve some thinking and reflecting time. Christian music blaring in my ears, mind fixed on Jesus, eyes looking forward. It is a very peaceful time for me. As I ran my 3 miles I began thinking about my child and how I am so much like him. I know that God never tires but if he did I think I would be the infant/child that kept him up all night. That zapped his energy day after day. How exhausting it would be to tend to my constant need to be held, corrected, guided,..... I realized how as a parent the Lord is never saying to us "Go to sleep" He is always up to talk, up to cuddle, always holding us upright moving us through our day. I as a mom have to always be ready. It is a season in life that my children need me at all hours of the night. A season that has aged me not only physically but mentally. I have learned and continue to learn to have greater patience, I have learned to survive on little sleep and some days even little food. I am no longer worried about my clothes or what I will do for the day but more my kids and their needs. That little moment when Bryce wrapped his hands around my neck and began to pat my back reminded me that it is all worth it. The love I show him now will shape the love he shows others. This task would be simple if I could just walk around with Christian music blaring in my ears all day, mind constantly distracted and focused on the Lord, but it's not. No for me the task is much great, a task that requires action and thought. A task that makes me aware each moment that there are little eyes watching...

The verbal Why

The holidays always seem harder than many days for my heart. Although I am thankful for the gift of Jesus and enjoy being a part of telling the story of his grand but simple birth, I am reminded of the depth of lose my heart feels. I am so grateful to the Lord for my family and for my wonderful husband. My boys bring laughter and joy and my husband peace and comfort, but I find myself so close to the verge of tears on a daily bases. Wishing that things were not the way they are. I know that the Lord's plan is greater than mine and I will follow him for the rest of my days, but I also know he understands that sometimes I just have to verbalize my "why?" I am grateful to Him for providing people in my life who care but find myself saddened and longing for the understanding phone calls and support on day when being a mom is overwhelming. Yesterday I found myself wishing I could just pick up the phone. I could talk to her knowing she would understand and would undoubtedly help me laugh at myself for feeling so blue over what may seem so silly to others. But then I realized the biggest part of my sadness was not being able to hear her voice. "Some days I just miss my friends" I told my husband when I returned home. "Your friends or your friend?" he replied. I don't think God looks down on me for missing my friend and the way things use to be, I think he uses it as a reminder of how precious His gifts are.

As I watch my boys this Christmas I am reminded of how much children rely on their parents to show them it will be okay. I feel less abdicate for the job today since I am not sure I feel it will be okay. I think of how her boys do not have her face to look to for comfort. Her husband must once again make it through the holidays without the support of her hand. Her sisters and mom left to celebrate with her children all the while knowing that something is missing. We all grab for strength and pray for peace and comfort this I am sure. But I trust that the Lord is more understanding then I may give him credit for. This Christmas season has been focused on the true meaning of Christmas and for me the biggest lesson is still pending. The lesson to be content to walk forward without knowing what will happen. I am sure that Mary and Joseph had moments of doubt. They did not know the great plan that was set out for their son Jesus. They knew his Father had complete power and control but I cannot help but think there had to be moments when they wished for the way things were. It is overwhelming and at time exhausting to follow the Lord and his plan. It is hard for us to understand and except the way thing are sometimes because he has given us a glimpse of something better. But I guess I remind myself or maybe better the Lord reminds me, that if things were so great here and there was no pain we would never want to leave it. There is a great joy awaiting those who follow and trust in the Lord. There is also great comfort in knowing we serve a God who is greater than the question "Why".

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. Psalm 42:11

Which Way?

Today is a very strange day in my life. My 3 year old son had his tonsils out while at the same time my father prepares to have his pace maker replaced. Yesterday I found my mind racing from one end to the other with what could happen on this day Dec. 20th? I thought of the simple procedure my son would have verses the complicated one my father is about to endure. I began hoping that this day would not be one of the worsts days of myself. I remembered what it felt like on April 24, 2009 the day I received the last devastating phone call to inform me that my best friend had gone home. I began to bargain with the Lord. If one had to be taken home who would I choose, my father who had lived his life or my son. "Lord please don't make me choose." And that is where I stopped myself. What was I doing? Where was my trust? I had a piece in my heart knowing that my son would be okay. And as for my father, while it is not in my hands. I cannot change what will be the outcome of any of it I can only trust that the Lord will do what is best for his plan. I think my biggest fear with the day was not wanting my heart to hurt again. The pain still too fresh, I found myself in a panic of having to lose another before anything had even happened. Fear that has no place in my life. Although it may be understandable, it has no place. I think of what it must have been like for Jesus to trust in his father's plan with out doubt. Pain is part of the process, and something Jesus himself had to endure. Although pain is nothing to be feared, it is someone that most of us run from, try to bargain our way out of.

As a parent I feared loosing my son even though I have watched and walked with parents who have been there and continued their journey with the Lord. Their pain was great and their faith was small but it brought enough hope to take hold of Jesus and walk forward. See that is all it takes, a small amount of hope. Trust is a HUGE factor but I believe that small hope of something good is what keeps us standing upright in the midst of pain. The hope that God can make something out of what seems to us an impossible and surreal situation. We have no idea what tomorrow will bring or when that cloud of pain will linger overhead, but we do know that even when that cloud arrives the Lords hand is a 100 times greater than the cloud and He will not let us drowned. We may get wet just enough to remind us that sometimes it is the pain that directs us to the Lord and focuses our eyes on the only sure thing... The gentle hand of the one who leads.

Today my son is okay. He came out of his surgery and will be better for it, while my father still awaits his surgery. In a few hours we will find out what the Lord's plan is for him but I say this with the utmost certainty. No matter what "I will yet praise Him!"

Tradition

For the past 4 1/2 years my husband and I have been living in Georgia. A place that my husband is very familiar with and a place that still for me in a lot of ways, is a foreign country. I grew up on the West Coast and although each year I feel more comfortable with my new southern roots, my customs and traditions are still very west coast. For Christmas my husband and I made the pack to spend every other year with my family because he could see how much I missed "my"Christmas traditions. When I was a child growing up in Lynden I got to see my LARGE family multiple times at Christmas. I loved cooking with my Grandma Segaar and cousins, aunts and uncles, and then Christmas Eve service all together. But most of all I miss shoving a ridiculous amount of people into the smallest place possible and enjoying the evening with one another. I never cared what got as a gift or if I got a gift, I just loved being with my crazy large family. So the first year our oldest son was born we spend Christmas in Montana with my grandparents in a log cabin. It was simple, quiet, wonderful, and filled with snow. Not quite the craziness I was use to but we did have the wonderful Christmas Breakfast I had enjoyed for so many years. Then last year after traveling back to Washington with 2 small boys we were done. It was too much and we had to take way too much. More so it became clear to us that we were missing out on building our own traditions with our children. Our boys did one thing one year and then the following year something different. We have only experienced having a Christmas tree twice in our almost 6 years of marriage. It was time to make our own Christmas. So this year that is what I have been trying to do. We did not have a lot of money this year so the homemade gift list was large. I engaged my sons in gift making activities and decorating. In a lot of ways it has made Christmas simpler and more meaningful knowing that everything we have done for others this year has been by our own two hands. Yet I still felt unsettled. We decided this year since our 3 year old was asking that we would go and meet Santa for the first time. We watched Christmas movies, had a Christmas program, all the things that you would think might put you in the Christmas spirit. But still something was missing for me. I have enjoyed focusing on the birth of Christ rather than the hustle an bustle of things but I missing feeling like a part of Christmas. I began to realize no matter where you may be, if you are not a part of a Christmas tradition it just doesn't feel the same. Even though I am married and we have my husband's family near, I have had to learn and observe their traditions and become content with loosing my own. It is all a process. A process that strangely enough can seem painful. But in the end it is really a matter of the heart and what I choose to focus on that will determine my attitude this Christmas. I am working on being content with the reality of deepening our own family traditions with the hope that my boys will learn the true mean and reason for Christmas and long to celebrate that love with our family. I hope that as they grow and the world tries to creep in that they will hold on to Christ centered traditions. You may never see our children with the latest and greatest toy, and I am sure there will be other years that our children's gifts will consist of the things they need like shoes, and clothes, but I hope they always smile on Christmas morning for no other reason than the simple yet complicated reason that Jesus came to save us. Call me old fashion but to me that is all we should need. The other stuff is just a perk, the joy comes from Christ.

Credit where credit is due...

Yesterday was our 2nd annual Christmas Play at church. Once again this year I wrote it and produced it of course and had a blast doing it. The kids did a fabulous job and were so proud of themselves and then came time for the praise. This is always the hard part for me because people are so kind with their words and praise my work and I feel so undeserving of all of it. "If you only knew how much I did not do." This is what I am usually thinking when they are telling me how wonderful I am. My husband tells me to say thank you and except the praises which I did this year (I am growing) but I still felt so undeserving of them. I think the reason I feel this way is because I have not done anything. I have not put the words or ideas in my brain. I did not give myself or those children a voice to sing. God did. For almost a year I walked around with the three wise men in my head. I did not know how to tell their story or what their story was. I read some articles and research that others had done and then I began to write. I wrote of their journey and how it began long before Jesus arrived. About how even before our Messiah arrived on earth he was impacting lives and changing them forever. Even the Angels were changed by Jesus. And then yesterday I was listen to our kids as they told the story. A story that I put onto paper but a story that I did not write. I was moved by the words at the end of the play. Words that I put onto paper but once again that I did not write. I felt humbled and unworthy of the way God has used me. I am grateful that He looks on me with love and allows me to be a part of what he is doing on this earth and more so at Redeemer Church. I am not a writer, I am not a singer, most of the time I am not even a Children's Director. I am just a servant. A lowly peasant who most likely would not have been invited by the Angels to witness the marvelous arrival of our Lord. I do desire to be used by the Lord for his glory and his credit not my own. I am not sure that I will ever get use to the praise and the compliments that others give but maybe that is how I stay near to Lord and am willing to give him the glory and praise. I would just prefer to shrink into the background and watch his light illuminate the room....

Joseph

Many times when I think about the birth of Christ I remember the significance of Mary and how God chose her to bare His son. This young girl who had no idea the great task she had been given. I am sure scared at times wondering if she can be the mother of the Messiah. How her mind must have wondered and the questions I know I would have had for the angel telling me this GREAT news. But then I began to think of the silent support that the Lord provided for her, Joseph. He must of been a gentle soul. Wanting and willing to please our Lord. But what a task given to him. "Joseph love this child and raise him as your own." A child who shared no DNA with him. Would bare no resemblance to himself. And a baby who would force him to wake and flee many times in the middle of the night in order to keep him safe. In many ways Joseph too had to give up everything to follow our Lord. The thoughts that he must have had. "Will I love him enough? Can I teach him anything? Will others judge him? Will they judge me?" These are a few things I would have wondered...But then I think about how Joseph was God's example of what it means to be a parent. DNA does not determine your ability to parent. The ability to parent is the selfless love we are able to show those the Lord has blessed us with. Looking at a child and regardless of where they came from or how God placed them in your arms, just being thankful they are there. Looking into those helpless, Innocent eyes for the first time I am sure nothing became clear to Joseph in an instant. However I believe once Joseph gazed upon our Lord it all became worth the task. Joseph did not receive the spot light, he did not get parent of the year, but I believe our Father looked upon him with great love and pride just as he did His son. Pleased with the way Joseph loved Jesus.

My own little world...

What a week! This week I have been trying to get into the routine of the busy holiday season. We have our Christmas play in 1 week, Christmas break in 2 and 3 Christmas parties in the meantime. What all of this means is we are never home. We also found out yesterday that our 3 year old will have his tonsils out the first week of Christmas break which adds a whole other list of todo's. But as I look back at all the things I have had to do this week to make it through to my goal, I am reminded of all the other things that happened outside my own little world. On Tuesday afternoon a tornado touched down about 20 miles from where we live. I thought nothing of it because even though the weather was bad I saw no signs of a tornado. Then yesterday on the evening news I finally saw the pictures of what the tornado did. I can't imagine how those people who have lost so much must feel this week. They are not worried about keeping their house clean and preparing meals for the week, but rather where will they sleep until they have a home, and where do they and their families eat tonight. It's Christmas time and although we are so busy getting ready for the holidays here, people have lost everything and their world has stopped spinning for the moment. It hit me how quick and easy it is to get wrapped up in our own drama and todo's that we forget their is a world going on around us. It made my list seem pretty pointless and my life not so stressful at all. I am glad for the reminder that it is not all about me and what I am feeling but really it is supposed to be about loving our neighbor. I think that means we are ALWAYS to think of the interest of others before we think to the interest of ourselves. Being the "bigger person" means being able to apologize for making someone feel less important or valid even if that was not your intentions. Now I could not apologize to all of those people who lost their homes but I could apologize to my children for rushing them around these past 5 days. And I can apologize to my husband for not having time to hear about his day lately. I have learned and yes sometimes the hard way, that your actions and words even though seeming justified at the time can still be painful and hurtful to those who receive them. Taking a moment to realize how you have affected someone and apologizing for the part you have played in their distress is sometimes all it takes. How many times do we fall on our knees because once again we need help from the Lord? I know that not once has he shut the door on my face, or told me to bad "you deserved it". If anyone has the right to ignore their neighbors and their feelings it is the Lord but he doesn't. Each time He picks us up, badges our wounds and sends us back out there all the while cheering us on to do the right thing. Thank goodness He does not live in his own little world....

A shout out to Shutterfly

Each year I have made a Christmas card, calendars, and photo books. But for the last two years I have used Shutterfly and have LOVED the product. Last year I was able to write a small letter inside the card and then Shutterfly even printed labels, and mailed them for me! You can do almost anything there and it is completely free. This year I made canvas wall hangings for my grandparents, The boys baby books, Christmas cards, and calenders. They always have great deals and offers going on as well which makes it much more affordable than most. Best of all the quality is amazing. Check it out for yourself at the listed links. You won't be disappointed. http://www.shutterfly.com/calendars/desk-calendars http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-cards http://www.shutterfly.com/cards-stationery/christmas-photo-cards