Looking to the Father

Sometimes it is difficult when you realize you cannot fix everything for those you love. You can't take the pain, you can't heal the heart, and you can't explain why. Yesterday I had to take a nap because my brain was so overwhelmed with the desire to help my children and the realization there is really little I can do this time. Bryce woke up unable to put weight on his left leg and unable to support himself many times through out the day. It was hard to watch him struggle so much knowing that he was in pain. It became clear to me about half way through the day that it was his left hip that is causing the problem. When he was born he had what is called "a hip click" which means that the bone and the joint did not fuse correctly or at all. We were told at that time that we would have to watch over the next few years to see that everything continued to stay in position and if it did not, we would have to look at treatment. Well up until yesterday everything seemed well. Now I look at my little boy with worry and sadness as to what is to come for him. He would fall continually yesterday and cry in pain. I would pick him up and help him on his way and inevitably he would return for comfort multiple times through out the day.

Then Judah my 3 year old found himself in tears yesterday partly due to his actions that landed him in trouble, and partly due to his emotional sadness that became so evident to me. He sat in my lap and cried because he did not "have a friend" to play with. It broke my heart that at 3 my son was feeling out of place and lonely. "How do I help my babies?" As a mom I just wanted to make it all better. And as a child of God I just wanted him to make it all better. I felt like a toddler looking to her father to fix the brokenness. "Help my baby walk, Lord. And help my baby feel loved." I am thankful that I can look to the father for the answer but I am also aware that sometimes the answer requires a little bit of pain. A friend of mine reminded me the other day that if needed I would lay down my life for my son's salvation. And everything that happens in their little lives is for the good of their salvation. But it is still hard to see pain in your child's eyes.

I guess all in all it was a difficult glimpse as to what is to come in their lives. There will be pain and sadness. There will be times when they look to me to fix what is wrong and all I can do is look to the Father with the same request. Although my heart is heavy, my hope is in Christ and I look to him to guide me as I walk down this road with my two young children in my arms, only to offer them to the Lord who is the only one who can fix their brokenness.

Evaluation

As a parent I am constantly judging my abilities by the behaviors of my children. Are they polite? Do they behave with others? Are they kind?...As a Christian I am constantly judging my worth and strength by others reaction to me. Am I to harsh? Did I step-in where I should have stepped out? Are my quiet times deep and meaningful?.... Questions I am sure I am not the first to ask, but it does not seem to make them any less threatening. Yesterday my son had a BAD day. First at school, then daycare, then finally at home. I found myself racking my brain trying to figure out what set this all in motion. Why was he acting in a way that he did not normally act? And as a parent...well I failed along the way. Then after I put him to bed and he finished his 45 minutes of crying and yelling, I began to think....maybe it was not something that had set him off that day but maybe it was his environment as a whole. Maybe it could be that things in our lives have been so busy and for the past 5 days my kids have just had to fit into my schedule. Now even though it may seem delayed, we are seeing the reaction. Never the less it made me doubt my abilities as a mom. Many times I allow my sons' reactions to things to show me how I am doing as a parent. Just as I allow peoples' reaction to evaluate how I am doing as a "Christian". But the truth is I am both of those things despite what reactions I may or may not witness. My worth as a parent should not be measured by my children's reaction but better should be measured by whether or not I am following the Lord on how to parent. My sole purpose as a parent is to raise my children up in the ways of the Lord. Now when my 3 year old starts talking to me about the Zombies his cousin was watching on the computer, yes I need to be hands on and pay attention to his reaction and monitor the environment a little better. But when my son has a bad day, I need to handle the situation and pray. Really, I pray because the Lord is forming my child's heart and capturing his thoughts not me.

In the same way I cannot control all of my child's behavior, I too cannot control people's thoughts or reactions to me. All I can control is whether or not I am doing my part to stay near to the father. Whether I am waiting on him for my reaction and speech rather than myself. Thank goodness trial and error is all part of this parenting thing. And Thank the Lord that it is also part of being a Christian. If we did not fail we would not look to the Lord for the correct answer but rather assume we always have it. His love does not change from day to day, it is always constant and the same as is true of his guidance and inspiration for us. In the same way each morning is new, and I pride myself on greeting my children in the morning with a HUGE hug and snuggle and I tell them how much I love them that they may know unconditional love by my example.

Romans 1:17

"The righteous will live by faith"(Romans 1:17)... this was the text that I read this morning as I had a much needed quite time with the Lord. It seems the last few years it has been a struggle to find that much needed time with 2 kids on different schedules but today, the Lord woke me a 6 am and it was great. There have been a lot of questions and concerns in our lives the past four months which has caused a lot of worry and fatigue. But the past few weeks my husband and I have both been challenged with the same ques ton, What's the point? Why focus on the things that we can do nothing about? Why not trust and spend our energy being thankful for the Lord and how He continues to provide instead of worried that maybe this time He won't.

So since then we have taken a good hard look at all he has done and man has it been overwhelming joy. Peace knowing that all we have to do is walk forward and trust in his plan. I am also grateful for the examples that the Lord has set in my life to follow. The way he has shown me how others over come by following him. I think it is easy to get wrapped up in what we think should happen or we hope will happen. Even things like the disappointment of not having that nice running car at times can be discouraging. But hey, we have a car.

Our neighbors are selling their house and when we found out the price I was shocked! It has 5 bedrooms 4 baths, new carpet and windows, a garage door that works, and a large yard that is already fenced. Why didn't we just wait a year!? We could have had a huge house in better condition than ours! Oh but wait, then we would not have Grandma and Grandpa right next door. My boys could not grow up having wheelbarrow rides in the backyard from Grandpa. My 3 year old son could not drive his jeep or walk across the yard and watch cartoons without me leaving the house. There would be no peace of mind knowing my kids have 4 sets of eyes on them while they are playing. My house may not be as nice as our neighbors but nothing beats what we have. What the Lord ordained a year ago for our family.

See when I take just a minute to look at the big picture I could not have planned the blessing God has shown us. He is in control. He knows best. And He is watching and planning our every step. In his time things come to be, if I rush it I miss the blessing that comes along with his time. "The righteous will walk by faith"...