Just Rocks

A few months ago when the weather began to turn nice, my sons began to spend a lot of time outside in our back yard. I would leave the backdoor open and work in the kitchen, or work outside at the table. One afternoon my 3 year old came running up to me with his hands behind his back and said "Mom I brought you a surprise." "A surprise!" I responded. Slowly moving his hands from his back to the front he held out my wonderful surprise. A rock. "Oh Judah that is beautiful!" "Do you like it mom?" "Like it?, I Love it!" I said with excitement. I then began to tell him what I thought it looked like and he in return gave his opinion. But the light in his face was priceless. I reacted as if he had just found the largest diamond in the world and I was lucky enough to receive it. He was so proud and went back to playing.

This became a routine for Judah. As many children pick flowers from the yard my son would search for the most unique rock he could find and coming running to deliver his treasure. Soon my shelf above the sink became more and more cluttered with these rocks and my husband began to notice. "Are we really going to keep these?" He asked. "Of course those are from Judah." I explained. "But their just rocks!"....

But their not just rocks. They are the treasures my son offered to me as a gift. The treasures that he wanted to bless me with. I would watch him and the careful time he would take picking those treasures out. Examining rock after rock until it was the perfect one and then he would come running. To the plain eye they are just rocks but to me they are priceless. I began to realize at times we may view our gifts to the Lord as just rocks. All we could offer. Was it enough? It is not as nice as my neighbors gift to the Lord but it is all I have. But I know that since I gave what I had, my offering is not seen as a rock but as a blessings. It does not matter what it looks like on the outside, it is the heart that shows the true treasure. Just as my son offered me the best he could I too must offer the Lord my best. Even if others may just see it as a rock, my Father will know.

To Much with Too Little

This time of the year I tend to find myself worn out quit often. My husband is a soccer coach and..it's soccer season. And I am a Children's Director and it's Easter time. Lots to do with what seems like no time to do it. Yesterday alone I moved heavy furniture, worked a 9 hour day, attended a viewing, did our taxes, cleaned the house, and put my children to bed alone again for the 3rd time this week. Wow, just writing that made me tired. I find myself up at 5 and down at Midnight. I guess knowing that this time of the year only lasts for a "season" makes it bearable.

When my husband returned home last night around 10:30pm he was disappointed because he said "I missed a day of my sons lives that I can't get back." "Yep" I replied which now seems so careless but really more than anything had me thinking...At least my husband had an excuse he was at a soccer game and at work all day. Me on the other hand, even though I had been with our children for about half of the day, I too had missed a day of their life I could not get back. I found myself at 7pm just counting the minutes until bedtime when I could once again continue on my LARGE to-do list. The boys then went down with a couple of books, a prayer and a kiss at 8:30pm. And even though I sat with them, read the stories, and said the prayers, I emotionally was not with my children.

Then this morning my oldest rose long before he should have and I of course brought him back up to bed and sat with him till he fell back asleep. Once again bombarded with my to-do list, dishes, lunches, laundry...

But the truth is all of that could wait. if my house is not perfect no one will care. If my taxes are not done, I have 2 more weeks. But my children? When I don't take time each day to be a part of their lives it's lost forever. I know it may sound a bit drastic but I find myself thinking what if that was their last day, or my last day? Is that how I would have wanted it to end. This life is really like a story and each of us is the main character in our own, and I began to think if that was how I wanted my story to end. My boys to say "Yeah my mom was a hard worker, loved to help everyone, and kept things in order, but she never had time for us."

No that is not how I want the story to end. I want my boys to know each day that they are WAY more important than any to-do list and when I don't spend time with them it is a waste of my day. I want them to learn to love and the importance of priorities and if I don't make them one how will they learn?.....

"I know better..."

As a wife and mother I find myself in so many roles. The one that is the most trying is encourager. When I watch those I love go through tough times and need uplifting, I find myself exhausted just from thinking about them all day. I am the wife of a very gifted man. He is a phenomenal teacher and coach. A man who works harder than anyone I know and always has from the time we met.

My husband found his way out of a very dark whole and made it all the way to Jesus when he was 24. At 25 we married and I could see the passion in his eyes for something more. With a little help from others and really a LARGE push from the Lord Chris found himself back in college and a straight A student. He wanted to teach and he wanted to coach soccer. A sport that had brought him a lot of pain but also provided great joy. A sport that he is sooo passionate about. The way I watch him teach and interact constantly amazes me. Watching this man whom the Lord has put in my life, display such passion, compassion, and skill, overwhelms me with pride.

But then there are the times when others do not see how hard he works and they do not see what he gives up on a personal level, and think that perhaps they could do it better. Instead of encouraging this man who gives so much to their children. A man who wants more for their kids and his own in this life than he had. A man who wants to see these students suceed and go on to do great things.

I think about Jesus and the disciples. There are times in the bible even where we see the disciples trying to counsel Jesus. Suggesting that he try things a different way. What!? Do you know who this man is? They were looking at the reaction from others instead of looking at the man who had more passion and compassion for those he was speaking to, then ANYONE in the existence of the human race. Who do we think we are? Why do we feel the right to judge others? The honest truth is the only person we should be judging or criticising is ourselves.

It got me thinking that many times we are so quick to think we can do it better. Or judge others for what they are doing instead of looking at the heart first. If we stopped to look at the heart of people instead of just the results or actions, we may see someone who is giving more and doing more than we could imagine. We may even be humbled by that person and ashamed of our reaction instead of self-righteous and judgmental. Often those who are most passionate and committed are the ones who receive the most criticism. It has been come more and more clear to me in life that many times I don't give credit where credit is due. I am thankful that my two little boys want to be just like their daddy. A man who deserves a lot of credit.

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your own brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?" Matt. 7:3

Happy Birthday Erika Jean...

It is hard to believe this is the 2nd year Erika has been gone. Today she would have been 31. As I thought last week about what I was going to do for her birthday many different things ran through my mind, but the one thing that was clear was that I did not want to mourn her life today. I did not want to sit in my house all day and not answer the phone, hide myself from my children and family until the day passed. No that I did not want to do. Instead I wanted to honor her. I wanted to honor the ones she loved and celebrate them as well as the ones I love.

I also remembered what it was like when she was here. I love to celebrate birthdays as long as there were not my own. For the four years that we lived together I would get up early and make a big birthday breakfast. Then I would wait for her to rise and begin singing "Happy Birthday" the minute I saw her face. The first year her mom sent her a baked cake in the mail. Oh how giddy she was and how we laughed as we found forks and knives to decorate then eat this wonderful creation. We would send little gifts each year for the first few years after college but then as time went on it was just the simple card and always a phone call. My favorite gift on my birthday and the thing I most looked forward to most was picking up the phone and hearing "Uh happy birthday, gus, gus." The famous quote from my dear friend.

Erika and I would try and celebrate others through the years as well. One morning Freshman year we got up at 5am to get balloons for our friend Mickey. It was so fun until we got to the counter of the store and the balloon detached from our bouquet and floated to the top of the ceiling....needless to say that was an adventure. We would travel to Yakima to celebrate with our other roommate, drop everything we were doing to run across town and sing happy birthday.... It was so much fun to celebrate those we cared for and loved. I miss my friend everyday. And days like this I am reminded that from an earthly standard her life was too short. But I celebrate knowing that my friend is not "gone" she is just waiting somewhere else, still celebrating those who have returned home from their journey and one day we will celebrate together.

So until that day I will celebrate her life on March 8th and celebrate those she loved most, and those I love most. Happy Birthday Erika Jean.....

The Power of Response

Last week my husband and I were shopping at Costco when we came across a kite. "Oh Judah would love that" we thought. So we bought it with the intention of saving it for his 4th birthday in June but...that did not happen. The excitement was to great we had to give it to him today! So we did. Daddy and Judah built it and then it was time to fly. Outside we went trying to find the wind. Running one way then another. But we were not very successful in our attempt. See my husband and Judah tried to find the wind but did not wait long enough to make sure they were going the right direction. Then when a large gust would come they were not ready to respond. As a result everyone was out of breath from running, and at one point injured as Judah and Daddy collided.

That is how my spiritual walk has been for about the last 2 years. There have been a lot of things happen from a disconnection with my family to the loss of my best friend. As a result I kept looking for the Lord, calling to him, but did not feel that connection. I have not questioned that the Lord is there or his strength but more "am I still connected?" I did not feel like I was connected to this God whom I desired to be so close to. I have felt alone and confused. I have felt empty and in a fog. I have been so overwhelmed with grief but so tired of mourning.

On Tuesday I found myself up early and reading the bible. I had prayed and then got on my treadmill for my time of reflection/exercise. I was reminded as it has been on my mind, that this coming Tuesday would have been Erika's 31st birthday. Last year I sent flowers to her grave and found myself in tears the whole day and days after. This year I wanted to do something positive in honor of her. "What do I do?" Then the answer came and I found myself pondering thinking "I can't do that." And then the AH moment... I heard from the Lord. "Will you do it for me?" I heard so clear! And my response "Yes I will" with my head held high. Then came the tears. Not tears of sadness but tears of joy. I was so joyful to hear from Him and so clearly! I cried and cried to the point my two dogs came running thinking something must be wrong! There I was running and cry out of pure joy!

When I stopped to reflect on what had happened I realized it was not that I had not heard from the Lord in the past 2 years, because I have. But more so it was the first time that I had responded in 2 years. The Lord was there, I was looking, but I was not responding. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is open our mouths and vocally say "Yes I will." but the power that comes with response is overwhelming. God has never left us, but sometimes He is quietly waiting for us to respond.

"If anyone is thirsty, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, streams of living water will flow within him." John 7:37-38