In the Desert

The best illustration for this blog may very well be my lack of posting. It is not for lack of attempt but rather lack of words. I am very careful not to just post random thoughts, but rather only want to share thoughts I feel are form the Lord. For the past 3 plus weeks now it has been silent in my brain. Overwhelmed with mundane items of life and what seems constant problem solving from money, to relationships, to work, it seems everything has needed major attention. My husband and I both say "We need a break" and although we truly would love some time to just focus on our family and each other, we cannot get away due to lack of funds to do so.

So instead Chris and I took an hour and a half on Sunday and went and heard a Pastor we really enjoy in a church where only about 2 people know who we were. The first words we hear "Men is your wife wilting?" Chris and I both giggled because we knew God had brought us where we needed to be that day. The sermon was good and challenging. Helped us to ask questions about ourselves and our lives in this present state. I think sometimes when you work in ministry it is hard to share when your heart is dry because the first reaction from others is concern for your ministry, and not always your own well being. I also feel so selfish admitting my struggles when so many around me are suffering in such large and grief filled ways. I have felt ashamed of my dryness thinking I should be exempt of this time. "I should always feel full Lord, I am doing your work!"

Oh but how often his work becomes our own. Not because He has given it to us but more so because we have taken it. There are times I get so wrapped up in getting the job done I forget to ask the Lord what the job is. I take what is in front of me and move it along just enough to get me through the week. Soon I find myself in "a dry and weary land where there is no water"(Psalm 63:1). I now find myself pushing dirt and getting frustrated with the dust flying in my face. "I am just trying to do my job!" "No, Leah you are trying to do my job."

See I should not be ashamed to need the Lord. I should not feel ashamed when I am in that dry place. It is in my shame I forget to look toward the Lord and begin to look at everyone around me who is watching me. In my attempt not to fail I have fallen flat on my face. In human terms I have lost my drive, aged in stress, given in to the fight. Begging for a way out. Wanting the simple life. As I travel further into this dry land I begin to desire the things I want. To stay home with my kids. To just be the wife. To have a house that is not falling a part, and bills that are none existent. Sounds like most people, right? But I have not been called to do a job by most people, I have been called to do a job by the Lord. And it is in that calling I find the small amount of strength left in me to hold on. Like a person floating among the sea just trying to keep my head above water I look up to see that hand. The hand that will pull me out.

Now although the Lord has not yet pulled me out of the water he is holding onto me asking me to hold on to him. I know that this season will pass but that it is going to take some time and refocus. A very wise man once told me as I was preparing to enter ministry at the age of 19, "Leah, ministry is who you are not what you are doing." I took those words to heart then and once again today. I look at my boys and am reminded to "hold on" The Lord is working in every area. It is times like this I am reminded how much God does not need me to do his work but rather delights when I join him with what little I have.

An Everyday Challenge

In two days it will be Mother's Day and my day will be over run with programs, church, and a recital. It more than likely will be a day I recover from on Monday morning. But as I prepare for this crazy wonderful day I am reminded of so many people I admire and memories that warm my heart. I have been given the opportunity to share with our congregation this Sunday, and for the past 3 months I have re-written what I am going to talk about approximately 20 times.

Okay so that my be a slight exaggeration but you get the point. It is hard when something is so important to you, to know exactly what to say. Motherhood is something that has been a part of my life for most of my life. First as a little girl pretending with my dolls, then a young girl mothering her younger brothers, as an aunt caring for the most precious nephews one could ask for. And finally now as a mother to my own two children. I have been trying to thinking of each role and how motherhood really applies to each of us as women even if one is not physically mother's to children according to the world's definition. I believe according to God's definition we are all leaders to the young people around us, in our homes, in our neighborhoods, and especially in our church families. If we don't guide them to a love that reflects Jesus Christ and the love he shared with us, we have failed. It is not about preaching the gospel so that they memorize his word, but rather teaching the gospel through our actions that helps direct them to the Father for the example and the answer.

I think about my best friend Erika and how she was a pro at showing the gospel and she did not even know it. I find myself trying so hard to follow the example she instilled in me during our 10 years together here on earth. I am also reminded of a mom who shared that while the entire class was laughing at a student her son got down and helped the student, refusing to join in their laughter. To me that speaks volumes about what is seen in his home and around him. A perfect example of how they are always watching. As a mother I think I have apologized to my 3 year old son more in his short little life than I have the other 27 of mine.

My point is still unclear to me but as I muddle through this task of sharing I am reminded most of all that we are not perfect but we are capable. We all of have the ability to live a life that is reliant on the Lord and is directed by his hand. We all of the calling to set the example and live a life that points others to the love of Christ. We all of the responsibility to get on the floor and help others while everyone else is laughing. Happy Mother's Day to every woman who knows and loves a child.