Smooth Sailing? Or Rough Waters?

Today is the first Sunday I have not been employed in ministry in almost 5 years. My anticipation for a calm, relaxed morning followed by worship and fullness, quickly turned to one of discouragement and confusion. I was unable to sleep last night as my mind would not shut off. It went from one worry to another. The children not reacting well to a change at Redeemer. My children not reacting well to a new church.

Would our business be able to continue supplying this family with the needed income. You name it, it was on my mind from 12 am till I finally gave up and went for a run at 7am. I was so discouraged. This was a day I had been looking forward to for months. A moment to breath. To wake up with ease on a Sunday morning, have breakfast with my family and then enter into worship with them as well. Why so much resistance? Why so much discouragement? Why not let everything about this day be perfect?

Well, maybe it is because good things are happening and the Lord is blessing us? Even though it does not feel that way. I find myself looking for answers and comfort in places it doesn't exist. I seek my husband's advice and perspective, I ask friends and colleagues...but guess what? They know just as much as me. God is the only one with the answer. It is easy for me to worry and fall back to the human flesh for the answer. It is easy to say "I don't feel fuzzy, this is hard, maybe I should just quit."

It's only been a week, we are in trouble! No not really. In all honest I know I am facing resistance because God is doing great things in our lives and the enemy wants my reliance back on the world. The true blessing is God teaching me total reliance and peace in Him. Nothing else. My friends are not going to answer when I need the answer, my husband is not always going to know what to say. And church may not always be full of encouragement. But the truth is if I focus 100% on the Lord and renew my mind with His words, there will be peace.

So the real challenge today is who or what is going to get my attention and focus, what happened today and my sleeplessness? Or what God has already done and what He will continue to do?

He gives strength to the weary
and increases the power of the weak.
Even youths grow tired and weary,
and young men stumble and fall;
but those who hope in the Lord
will renew their strength.
They will soar on wings like eagles;
they will run and not grow weary,
they will walk and not be faint.
Isaiah 40:29-31

Courage

Having courage is one of the hardest things I face in life. Many of people have mentioned to me through out the years that "I have such courage to step out." I would like to say to them "If you could only see my insides and hear my brain right now, you may have a different opinion." But instead I simply respond by saying "Thank you."

Courage is something so large that most of us can only find about 20 seconds a day. If we can accomplish that, then maybe we can do it again tomorrow. I wanted to share a few of my 20 seconds of courage with you that I have conquered this year:

1. Getting out of bed day after day to face uncertainty and pain.
2. Swiping a credit card that was free of debt,with a $2300 Adviser order for AdvoCare.
3. Withdrawling my son from school after realizing there was something wrong.
4. Speaking the words "I am resigning" without certainty of how that was going to work.

These are just a few of the things I have done in the past year that have required courage from me. Some of them to you may not seem like big deals, but that's the thing about individuals, we are all different. Getting out of bed for me was a large undertaking this time last year. There were many days although I would get out of bed I would just curl up on the couch. I was certain that all I had to do was be present even though I was fighting my way back emotionally wanting to look forward to what the future was instead of fearing it.

Swiping that credit card changed the course of our lives forever. Now I would not recommend finding a credit card to swipe, but I know that it took a LOT of COURAGE for me to say yes to AdvoCare with only the simple realization that the Lord was clearly saying that was the answer although it made absolutely NO sense at the time. Wow imagine where I would be if I had not done that...

Taking Judah out of school after not hearing my son utter a word for almost 24 hours took courage because I felt like a failure. I was unable to recognize his struggles and I was unable to choose a school that was going to best fit his needs. Taking that 20 seconds of courage helped me to realize he need something no school could give, he needed his mom.

Resigning from my job took Courage. I had NO clue how the Lord would provide and work things out when I resigned. All I knew is I had put the needs of other children above my own children and that had to end that day.

Had I not taken 20 seconds of courage I would still be in bed, still be avoiding Tyffany's calls not wanting to ask the question "What's AdvoCare", have child who was so full of anger that he still rips the skin off his fingers, and be teaching children I had no business teaching while mine suffered at how.

I hope you see that NOTHING BAD comes from 20 seconds of courage. We do not know why we need the courage at the time but I know that the Lord will make it clear after we take it. Follow His lead and have courage when the time comes.

April Change

It seems April has a theme of being a life changing month for me. Some changes devastating, while others offer a new beginning. Today marks the end of a 4 year journey for me. I can hardly believe that it has been almost 4 and a half years since I began my journey as a Children's Director and now it's finished. I am overwhelmed by a mix of emotions, hard to let go the kids I have come to deeply love over the 4 years, all the while excited when I look at my boys and realize come Monday morning they are my reality.

Judah has ask "how many days now Mom" for the past 2 weeks and last night as I told him tomorrow was my last day, his little eyes welled up with tears. I had not realized the toll my absence had taken on these little guys. I have a lot of work to do to rebuild a home where they know above all they are more important than a phone call, or an event, and other children.

It is 3 years ago next week that Judah lost my presence. He was 22 months old, and I remember him standing in the backyard of Rob and Erika's home where we had been before. He felt comfortable playing outside on the patio area by himself and loved to watch the airplanes as they flew over the house. But when the Blue Angles came my son was more scared than I had ever witnessed. He began jumping and crying from the noise of the jets and as I witnessed this at the time I never realized how much of a depiction that really was for his little life for the next 2 years. The roller coaster of emotion I experienced over the next 2 years really left him jumping and crying in fear regularly.

I am thankful that the Lord has brought our family through that experience. I still wish with every ounce of me that it had never happened. I do not claim "Something good came from it" with the death of Erika but I know now after almost 3 years God has received glory in our lives since then. I am thankful that each day even though I tried many times to let go of His hand and crawl under the covers, My God understood my anger and pain and held me even closer. I am thankful that despite my own realization that this sea of emotion day after day was my new "normal", God's new normal for my life was different.

On Sunday when I leave the halls of Redeemer for the last time as the Children's Director I know that there will be little hands wishing I was not walking out the door. Even though God has provided an AMAZING couple to fill that void, some of those little hands will not be ready to take hold of the change. But I take joy and comfort knowing the little hands that have been reaching for me for the past 3 years will finally be grabbed...It's been what feels like a long journey but now the real journey begins...