The Fight

It's amazing to me how in tune I am with the words in songs. I tell people the one gift that God gave me was the ability to sing. I have been singing since I was 2 and have always found great encouragement, and at times challenge, in song. There is a a song by Matt Maher called "Empty and Beautiful". The words that just hit a deep cord in my heart are the following:

You fought the fight in me
You chased me down and finished the race
I was blind but now I see
Jesus You kept the faith in me

Over the years I have always felt blessed and protected that now matter how difficult the circumstances, God ALWAYS held my heart in his hands. I may be only 32 but there are many times when I look back I think "wow all of that in 32 years?" And yet, I am still a loved and protected child of God. Who no matter how many times I have "known better" He has never given up and left.

What many are unaware of is that there have been many days lately I have not been willing to fight the inner battle. I DO NOT desire the ways of the old Leah but struggle to see the possibility of better. It is during these times that I hear a friend whisper "Leah Keep Going." A gentle voice that I can no longer hear over the phone but always hear in my heart. It is that reminded that keeps me looking up. Keeps my trusting and striving through each lap of this race. And each time I trip and fall, I have a loving Father who picks me up, cleans my scraps and sets me back on my feet as a parent of a toddler would do.

I feel like I have been running this race for a very long time with no end in sight. But then a simple song reminds me that the race is already finished. That God did not put me in this race with out the intent of letting me finish. In many ways I would really like a piggy back ride, but, I will keep going. I will keep running this race knowing the fight is being handled by someone bigger than myself. And at the end... The smile waiting for me will not only be that of the one who guides me but of the one who wants more for me than I could ever desire for myself.

A Tug of the Heart

It's amazing to me as many times as I say I am not comparing myself to others, I do it all the time. Especially where my children are concerned. I do not feel adequate most of the time. For the past 3 weeks or so we have been home schooling our oldest at a very simple rate. Doing things here and there through out the day to educate him. I began to see and hear the things that other home school parents were doing and I began to think "I'm not doing enough, I am going to ruin my son! I am doing all I can and it's not going to be enough." I began push to do more and Judah began to push back.

As I am sure you can imagine, panic began to set in. What were we to do? Well the only logical answer, put him in school. So off we went to gather his things and prepare our son to head to school. Then we walked in there and were met with a cold unwelcoming face. Who then led us to another unexcited individual, who handed us a long list of things that MUST be done in order to enroll. My son was so confused, I was upset at the fact that we had both been preparing for this change and here we were with an obstacle we could not move. More than that, I felt like a failure.

The guilt I felt was not because I don't believe children should go to school, it was because I wanted to be the one to teach mine. I felt like the Lord was calling me to focus on teaching my children and providing them with a foundation that I felt had been a little shaky the past 4 years. I wanted so badly to succeed at schooling Judah and now I felt like I had once again failed my child. I spent most of the day feeling defeated. Rushing him from one appointment to another in order to enroll him in a school I didn't want him to attend. I then spent most of the early evening cleaning. Cleaning things I would not have normally cleaned so my kids could be outside. It was in that cleaning I thought, a lot.

Then I was met with three phone calls that changed my perspective and pointed me back to that desire the Lord had placed on my heart. "Don't make a quick decision Leah. God will honor what he has called you to do. Stop trying so hard, relax" These three statements said by 3 different friends made me realize that once again I was relaying on myself and the comparison of what others were doing to determine my wealth and ability.

Here's the good news, God created each of us uniquely. He placed desires on each of our hearts for the journey he planned for each of us. The Lord did not lead me to the school, He met me with a road block. I have to be true to the unknown and trust that in it's due time it will be known. It is a daily surrender, and one step at a time. Sometimes we say if the road blocks come, your on the right path. However, thankfully, sometimes the Lord provides those blocks so that no matter what we cannot push them out of the way without feeling a deep sense of lose.

I woke up this morning and said to my oldest son "I love you more than anything and I want to be your teacher, can I be your teacher?" his response "Yes. But mom, can I get a turtle?" ....Let the adventure begin.