Start Again

Just get started... This is what I keep telling myself hoping that it will sink in and fear will flee and I will, just get started. I think the hardest part for me is knowing where to begin. I feel like I have forgotten what it was I use to do, daily routine, meal planning, phone calls, even exercise routine. What did I use to do? Maybe I am the only one but even though it has been almost two months since I was released to get back to "normal" I feel like I am so far away from where I once was that I can't get there.

So then I think what should I do! Again I go back to just start. It might not look like it once did. I may never make the same chicken enchiladas again. I may never have a conversations with acquaintances I knew a year ago, but that is okay. It may all look different but isn't that kind of the point? When you walk through a trial aren't you supposed to be different on the other side? I just found it surprising how deep those differences went. I just thought my attitude and outlook would change. But I am realizing for someone who went through what I did, most of my time was spent in denial and business, no time for illness if your too busy right? Then the flip side, I just tried to survive everyday. Now I don't need to just survive, I need to live and live well. The illness is over and no longer holding the pause button.

Things have changed and now it is time to embrace those changes and start. So that is the decision today. No more evaluation. No more waiting. Today I just start. I start a new daily routine. I start a new meal plan. I start a new exercise plan not expecting my body to do what it did a year ago. I am done asking the Lord to bring me back, now I ask to go forward. It was not in vain I have walked in this valley for the past 9 months but it is time to start walking toward the mountain. It is time to start climbing again.

Blessed by Autism

In all honesty when I first heard the word "Autism" uttered in reference to my youngest son, I felt like someone had knocked the wind out of me. I remember wondering what does that mean? A year ago I would have said that it meant our world would never be the same. Our hopes and dreams for Bryce's future ended. The next question became, how do we prepare a future for him?

Now I would tell you, our family lives with Autism and we are blessed by it daily. Please hear my heart. It is hard. There is nothing easy about having a child who has constant needs and feeling the need to explain your child to everyone else including his older brother. It is hard to one day have a 5 year old and the next day have a 2 year old. But the for our family we take each day and know that the sunny days will be worth all the light they bring, and when the dark days come we remember sunshine is just behind the clouds.

Autism has brought a childlike faith to our home. A constant reminder that we are to believe everything is possible with Christ. If you tell Bryce Jesus lives in his heart, you will periodically watch him put his hands over his heart to give Jesus a hug. And on a hard day when the tears are heavy you will hear him say "I just want Jesus to hug me." with the true belief that He will hear his cry and do exactly that. What a reminder that Jesus wants the same from me. I need to hug my heart thankful that Jesus lives in me. I need to cry out for a hug from the one who can bring more peace than anything else.

Autism shows us God's amazing wonders. Every time we are blown away by how smart our 5 year old son is. Autism bring extreme intelligence and the amazement for us is how incredible it is that God takes these kids that many look at as helpless and blows that theory out of the water when they witness just how much their brain is working. To see a child every night genuinely excited about the moon. Excited to watch a leaf fall from the tree. Another wonder, the wonder of relationships. I get to watch Judah lead his brother, hold him when he cries, make him laugh harder than the rest of us. Set an example for so many of us when it comes to dealing with someone we don't understand.

Autism brings Optimism and tenderness to our family. We have a bundle of joy who will remind you 20 times a day that he loves you. Thank you for being his friend. And ask for a hug each night. Bryce forgets nothing. He can be wounded by words just like everyone else but he strives to make everyone smile. He is always thinking of someone else. A reminder to us all to be mindful of those we love and remember to make them smile.

See in the beginning I saw Autism as this HUGE giant that we would not overcome but would have to deal with for the rest of our lives. Now I strangely thank the Lord for my child who lives with Autism. I thank Him for the reminder that any Giant we face can fail the minute we take it's power away, and look for God's hand and blessing in the midst. If you are facing something that seems so HUGE, seems UNBEARABLE. Seems like a Giant...Look up! Ignore the words of this world and look for the words God gives you. He does not make a mistake. If you have a child who is living with a disability or illness look for the strength God has put in them. I am not foolish to think that things will always be easy with Bryce. I am not blind to the fact that one day I may not recognize my son. But what I know, God's hand is on him and He has a great plan for Bryce that I get to be a part of. Our family will never be the same for each of us has been blessed by Autism, his name is Bryce.

teach them in the ways they should go

Recently I have seen, heard, read a lot said about parenting and faith. The main controversy is "pushing faith verses letting them choose faith." ...this particular option of mine may hit a cord or nerve with others but in my mind and heart it has been stirring for awhile and therefore it is time to share.

Do not think for one moment that if you water down your faith or the things God asks of us and Jesus taught, that your child will "choose" to anchor tight to a faith. Rather they will seek and explore a fallen world. Sometimes I think we fear pushing our children away or being "too hard" but I challenge that thought with this one. You can either raise great kids or you can raise great people who in the end are better people than you. We get one shot to set the example and guide on the straight and narrow before it is time to release our kids, their hearts, theirs minds, into a world that Jesus came to save because it is lost. Why would I want to give the world any say into how I parent my children and the faith that I teach in my home?

If I am more worried about my parenting skills or methods in the eyes of others, than I am not focused on giving every effort to my children and the foundation they stand on. We are the first foundation our children will have so I hope and pray that I have set an example that if I were to leave the world tomorrow my children would continue to build. All we can do is set the example now. Help them to understand where the boundaries are and why. Teach them that there is no greater joy or satisfaction in the world than living each day dependent and connected to Christ. Following and seeking His plan above our own, and above the pleasures of the world.

I pray that I live boldly in my faith and teach my children to do so as well. We are not perfect, but I expect that we will strive each day to be better and work on the removing the things from our lives that are not pleasing or honoring to Christ that they will not become a stumbling block for or children. Your children will do what you do they will not what you say, Help them now to understand what it will take to stand strong and be anchored in the one who came to show us the way.

Our children have been making choices since they were in the womb. They are only about 4 months when they choose to have that royal melt down and they choose not to be consoled by your efforts. Help them. Help them make those choices now. Help them choose what words they should and should not say. Help them choose what should go into their ears and what their eyes should see, even if they are 16. Help them know how to treat one another and others they don't know. Help them learn how to show respect. They want your help don't fear the reaction, rather teach them what the reaction should be. Be their example until the day you leave this earth.