Always a Journey...

I have always known that life is a journey, but I am finding as I travel that journey sometimes what I thought I knew was not just as I understood, but rather had a deeper understanding to come to life later down the road...I have always wanted to be a wife and mother. When Chris and I struggled to have children my heart hurt but when those little bundles finally made their arrival I was over joyed. I wanted to experience life with them and be their mother each day FULLY. I was working at the time and I did everything in my power to spend my days and time off with my boys to the fullest. Just being their mom.

I was blessed to have 2 years at home with them full time before it was clear that God was calling me back into ministry and the work force and calling my husband out. But wait! That was not how it was supposed to work! I am supposed to be home right? And yet we both knew this was what we were supposed to do. So here I am, working part-time and my husband is home... Recently we have had moments of wondering how this is possible? Our life is just so very different than most we are able to live very simply by building a business over the past 4 years that allows flexibility. Recently I have felt a little resentful that he is home with my babies and I am not. But this weekend things have really come to a head as I quiet my mind and mouth and just listen and watch.

You see there is this little boy who is 8 and needs his Daddy's strong hand as it guides him between right and wrong and gently and slowly walks him into manhood. To help him see the importance of being a tender and strong leader. And there is this other little boy who is 6 and needs more than I can give him right now. You see three years ago when I was home Bryce was different. Bryce's mind functioned differently. He was what the world considers "normal". There is a picture that hangs in my kitchen of Bryce with a giant smile, looking straight at the camera. It is constantly falling off the wall and yesterday when it  fell off the wall, I picked it up and I just stared at it. I remember the day like it was yesterday because it is one of the last memories I have of Bryce eating bread. Strange that something that seems so simple can break my heart so deeply. When others look at this picture they love it because of the joy popping off the canvas. And although I see that as well, I also see the little boy who is no longer there. But it is also because of that realization my desires as a mother have changed...

As we travel down this journey I have realized it is my deep desire to be a mother that makes me understand that right now, for this time, until we can BOTH be home, Bryce needs his Daddy here, full time. We did not know 9 years ago when Chris went back to school and began teaching Special Education that our son would need special education. But God did. We did not know that we would choose to homeschool our children so that they would receive a Christian Education. But God did. God knew and he also knows what's coming next. This journey is not clear because it is not supposed to be. Rather our blessings come from being obedient to what God gives each moment and blessing others along the way. My desire to be a mother right now means doing what is best for my boys no matter the sacrifices it may cause me. God will take care of it.  The realization that I can still be a mom. That I can still love and spend time with m boys but they need their Dad right now and the gifts God has equipped him with.

I am so grateful that I am never to old or wise to learn new things. I am grateful that I am always like a child where my understanding is concerned. God is never done teaching me. And I don't ever want to be to old or set in my ways to listen. I cannot find the blessings in the darkness if I do not look for the light that He is shining. I don't know that this is so encouraging to others but maybe just a reminder that we most always look for the Lord's leading and follow it knowing even in the simple things there is peace and God does have it all in His hands. This journey is most defiantly how I pictured it. But I am learning that I have only seen a small piece of the picture and I have to wait for the Creator to finish it..